Thursday, 18 May 2017

#2159

A: Why will there be no post tomorrow?

B: I don't know, A. Why will there be no post tomorrow?

A: Because, after six years, four Bloggie nominations, and 2159 posts, the writer is concluding this blog.

B: You know, you're meant to answer questions with a pun here. Not just bragging.

A: I'm sorry!

B: We talked about this. We agreed you could do the last one. I gave you the set-up and everything.

A: I've never been much good at them.

B: Yeah, you're no pun.

A: There it is!

B: You liked a pun of mine?

A: The thing is, B - we're talking about how close to we are to the end. But I've realised, over these last six years, how close we are to a friend.

B: Aw. That's wholesome. Seems like the writer is in a better place than he was when he started this.

A: Hoo boy, he would not have been able to believe in such a pure and happy statement in those days.

B: I mean, how messed up do you have to be to start a pun blog?

[They both chuckle.]

A: We should thank the readers too.

B: Yes! Thank you for giving us a space to exist, and for helping the writer to learn that he could make things that other people would like and want.

A: What happens next, B?

B: We'll still have our chats - they might not always be recorded in the blog, but we'll exist where we always do.

A: And the writer?

B: I'm sure he'll keep playing with words, even if his thoughts don't appear here every day. He's ending Penguin on Porpoise, but he'll never stop punning on purpose.

[A and B walk off together into the sunset, and if they listen very carefully to the unusual disturbance in the lapping of the ocean to their side, they will hear a small, fat bird squawking with joy as it rides a large, smiling creature, up and down the length of the waves.]

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

#2158

"Why aren't we chasing after that board game? We know that he wrote his plans on the general knowledge questions."

Sherlock sighed.

"Elementary, my dear Watson. Our main clue is the letter with the directions to his hideout. That will lead us straight to our suspect, while tracing the path of the missing board game will merely add a summary offence to his list of charges."

"So it's not worth following that first?"

"No, Watson. That would be a trivial pursuit."

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

#2157

What do you call the linguistic philosophy of insulting the work of playwrights?

Diss-script-ivism.

Monday, 15 May 2017

#2156

What did the cannibals call the cooked buttocks of the president?

Trump steak.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

#2155

What attracts metal and owns a lot of mines?

A mining magnet.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

#2154

A: I have never been so insulted in my life!

B: What happened?

A: They said that I was too stupid to organise a double date.

B: Well, you've never been much good at putting two and two together.

Friday, 12 May 2017

#2153

What did the customer who preferred very mild coffee say to the bartender who would only be working there for seven more days?

"One weak, to go."

Thursday, 11 May 2017

#2152

"My keen powers of observation are what allow me to court other owls," explained the owl, "you have to wit to woo."

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

#2151

Which formula one driver was known for autographing footwear?

Michael Shoe-marker.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

#2150

Teacher: Use the word debasement in a sentence.

Student: Under de house, you will find de basement.

Monday, 8 May 2017

#2149

A: I've been enjoying remixes of my favourite songs without the lower instruments.

B: What a horrible act of de-bass-ment!

Sunday, 7 May 2017

#2148

What do you call a bad actor playing a cyber criminal?

A hack.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

#2147

Did you hear about the two whingers who fell in love?

It was lament to be.

Friday, 5 May 2017

#2146

When underwear is extremely cheap, the receipt is negligée-bill.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

#2145

When asked to comment on their view of Darth Maul, the Jedi decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-gons.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

#2144

How do rowing teams maintain a steady speed?

They use crews' control.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

#2143

A: Did you see the news?

B: The plane crash?

A: Yes! It was horrifying. I could never be a flight attendant.

B: The good news is that there weren't any flight attendants on board by the end.

A: What do you mean?

B: As soon as a plane begins to dive, they officially become plight attendants.

Monday, 1 May 2017

#2142

As it reached the large intestine, the worm shivered with a wave of realisation; this was the beginning of the end.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

#2141

"Help," cried the cook as the flames engulfed him, "I'm in my element!"

Saturday, 29 April 2017

#2140

What do you call someone who owns a lot of buildings where wheat is ground to make flour?

A mill-ionaire.

Friday, 28 April 2017

#2139

What kind of salamander chops down the most trees?

An ax-o-lot-l.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

#2138

What do you call the sound that your stomach makes when it is hungry for liquor?

Rum-bling.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

#2137

What do you call the coordinator of a telephone switchboard who reviews classical singing performances?

The opera-rater.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

#2136

Why do people with coeliac disorder never do squats?

They're allergic to glutes.

Monday, 24 April 2017

#2135

What cheese is the least favourite of prisoners?

Fetter cheese.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

#2134

What do you call a scorned woman who ruins jokes?

A funny foiler.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Friday, 21 April 2017

#2132

Nicole fiercely guarded all the objects that she had torn from the grasp of others; they were her prised possessions.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

#2131

Which fictional bear is the softest fictional bear?

Paddington.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

#2129

What do you call disgusting purchases from a supermarket?

Gross-eries.

Monday, 17 April 2017

#2128

What do fruit vendors use to provide evidence for their opinions?

Facts and fig-ures.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Saturday, 15 April 2017

#2126

What do you call the study of irate farmers?

Angry-culture.

Friday, 14 April 2017

#2125

What do you call an homage to a shoe?

A tri-boot.

#2124

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer was too angry about the lack of electricity to write anything.

A: What do you mean?

B: There was a power outrage.

A: And also he couldn't post to this blog if there was no power?

B: No, that joke's been cut.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

#2123

What kind of fabric is named after the creases left in it by buttocks?

Sat-in.

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

#2122

What is the appropriate way to phrase a request for the withdrawal of a record from a playlist?

"Scratch that."

Monday, 10 April 2017

#2121

What do you call the students of a church furniture designer?

Pew-pils.

Sunday, 9 April 2017

#2120

Tahlia the rugby referee hated high-scoring games; they were always a trying time.

Saturday, 8 April 2017

#2119

What is a bird's favourite scientific instrument?

A beaker.

Friday, 7 April 2017

#2118

What do you call it when archaeologists hold a party where they gather leg bones?

A shindig.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

#2117

What is the favourite team building exercise of bakers?

Crust falls.

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

#2116

A: Out of all the ancient cultures, the Egyptians had the coolest cats.

B: No, the coolest cats were in the Jazztecs.

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

#2115

What did the miner say about the other miner who had found a vein of ore?

"Get a lode of this guy!"

Monday, 3 April 2017

Guest Post #7 - Ben Volchok

"Boo" - ghost heckler

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Guest Post #6 - Ben Volchok

If they printed the weather on coins it would be climate change.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Guest Post #5 - Ben Volchok

I really appreciate you getting me this Mexican walking fish. Thanksalotl.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Friday, 31 March 2017

Guest Post #4 - Ben Volchok

Talk
Chalk
Hawk
Cork
Dork
Pork
Stork
Fork
Balk
Orc
Squawk
Torque
New York
Peter Falk
Mickey Rourke

(I have committed walk rhymes)

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Guest Post #3 - Ben Volchok

"Words cannot express how much I love you" - Wittgenstein breaking up with someone

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.