Monday, 31 December 2012

#566

A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.

B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

#565

Police officers have a very demanding job - there are no easy cop-outs.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

#564

As world markets plummeted, investors looked to the furniture industry to cushion the fall.

Friday, 28 December 2012

#563

What is the name for the cut of beef taken from the crotch of a nobleman's cow?

Sirloin.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

#562

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

#560

After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.

Monday, 24 December 2012

#559

Why did the pirate rattle his treasure chest?

He wanted to shake his booty.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

#558

Doctor Who's landlord was happy to renew his lease; he was a very good Tennant.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

#557

Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?

Doctor Hu.

Friday, 21 December 2012

#556

The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

#555

Freud was not an efficient carpenter - he kept trying to deconstruct the shelf.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

#554

"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

#553

Christa had no patience for people who didn't have toes; she was lack-toes intolerant.

Monday, 17 December 2012

#552

Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".

Sunday, 16 December 2012

#551

The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

#550

Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.

Friday, 14 December 2012

#549

The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

#548

Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

#546

What did Yoda say when knitting blankets in Australia?

"Do or doona, there is no try."

Monday, 10 December 2012

#545

Sandwich Hand A: "Sandwich Hand B! I believe that you are not well-bread at all!"

Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."

Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."

Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."



I'm on a roll today.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

#544

I think that spontaneous humour is wonderful; I love inci-dental puns. Sometimes I just want to spit out something fresh, something into which I can really sink my teeth, something that rolls off the tongue nicely. If you've got a bad filling about this by now, please pardon my gum-ption, and brace yourself: we're going to get to the root of this matter. You know the drill.

If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

#543

A: Ew! We're standing in a garden patch!

B: I see that there is a plot afoot.

Friday, 7 December 2012

#542

What is the term for staccato markings in accordion sheet music?

Polka dots.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

#541

What did the judge with obsessive-compulsive disorder say?

"Order, order!"

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Monday, 3 December 2012

#538

Lorence is so homophobic that he won't even eat a Golden Gaytime.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

#537

Ever since he was placed in charge of the blender at the milk bar, Sab considered himself to be a smoothie operator.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

#536

Laura set high standards for herself when drying grapes; she was always raisin the bar.

Friday, 30 November 2012

#535

"Hey there, handsome. Looking for a good thyme?"

Shane knew that he shouldn't have visited the red-light herb district.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

#534

He proposed to her using balloons? What a beautiful way to pop the question.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

#533

Several stimulant drugs give their users a feeling of invincibility. If you see a gingerbread man claiming that nobody can catch him, he's probably baked.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

#532

Giles wanted a full time job at the nut factory, but all that they could offer him was a cashew-al position.

Monday, 26 November 2012

#531

Goblins are not known for their soap operas - or anything to do with soap.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

#530

Kyle had dozed off while making soup; now, as the pot bubbled, he stirred in his sleep.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

#529

Some people said that Christian was the complete package; others called him an absolute tool.

Friday, 23 November 2012

#528

What do prisoners use to make calls from jail?

Cell phones.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

#526

A: Which way do I wear it?

B: I don't know. Is there a label?

A: It says that this end is the front.

B: Ah, but that might just be a front.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

#525

"It has come to our attention, 007, that you have fathered a good many children over the course of your various liaisons. So, MI6 has decided to give you some time off to get to know them. It should be a good ... Bonding experience."

Monday, 19 November 2012

#524

A: I think my Russian friend is gay, but in denial.

B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

#523

"I've wagered ten quid on Tony trimming the shrubbery, and ten quid on him not doing it. I'm hedging my bets."

Saturday, 17 November 2012

#522

A: How long will it take you to make an animated image?

B: I can have it done in a giffy.

Friday, 16 November 2012

#521

The plutocracy of monkeys had turned the zoo into a banana republic.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

#520

Sarah the horse had had enough of moving from one rented property to another; now she wanted a stable residence.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

#519

I know what metal is used to make computer chips, so any attempt to trick me into believing otherwise is a silly con.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

#518

Talking about computer components makes my mother bored.

Monday, 12 November 2012

#517

The unprepared cheerleaders were never going to win the contest - they had no chants.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

#516

A study has shown that petting baby ducks is the most effective treatment for depression. So, if you're feeling down, you should try feeling down.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

#515

A: You're drinking an entire bottle of vodka?

B: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Friday, 9 November 2012

#514

Today, pikelets are a breakfast food. However, in the Middle Ages, they were used to skewer barbarianlets.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

#513

Why is playing Quidditch like arresting an clandestine informant?

The game ends when you catch the snitch.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

#512

Politicians must pay particular attention to firefighters and strippers, as their dealings with these groups have a huge impact on the poles.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

#511

The Sound of Music exposes many real problems with the society of its time; most poignantly, the lack of social clubs for goatherds.

Monday, 5 November 2012

#510

Updating the scoreboard at rugby matches was a frustrating task for Jimmy; he found it very trying.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

#509

Which chemical element represents fraternal camaraderie?

Bro-mine.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

#508

What did the priest say when he saw the incense?

"Holy smokes!"

Friday, 2 November 2012

#507

You seriously want a urine sample? All along I thought you were just taking the piss.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

#506

A: Oh no. Oh no, B! I think the cannibals are going to preserve us in vinegar!

B: Well, it seems like we're in a bit of a pickle.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

#505

The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

#504

Mathematics is full of jokes; geometry is particularly conical.

Monday, 29 October 2012

#503

What made ancient Egyptian rulers so attractive?

Pharaoh-mones.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

#502

What did the thief do when she was caught robbing the hardware store?

She bolted.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

#501

A: Singers with higher voices always sound nicer.

B: That is bassist.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Thursday, 25 October 2012

#499

The flame that ignited the Big Bang came from a match made in heaven.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

#498

Pierre the film critic described Prune Juice as "very moving", and gave it "two thumbs up".

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

#497

On the pillar was scrawled a warning:

Drug-takers will be stoned.

Monday, 22 October 2012

#496

Most of the people who opposed communism in China were too afraid to Mao-nt a protest.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

#495

The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

#494

The balloon industry is one of the few to profit from inflation.

Friday, 19 October 2012

#493

I wanted to make a joke about Monica Lewinsky, but I couldn't think of a good gag.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

#492

Many female animals, once they reach a certain age, undergo a process known as menopaws.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

#490

A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!

B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.

Monday, 15 October 2012

#489

Success in music exams weighs heavily on scales. It also rests upon the use of silence.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

#488

What did Yoda say when he was the referee of a rugby match?

"Do or do not, there is no try."

Saturday, 13 October 2012

#487

The taxi driver hesitated to drive forward, knowing that it could be dangerous to break ranks.

Friday, 12 October 2012

#486

Hitler appreciated muscular, unintelligent women such as Eva, who was all Braun and no brains.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

#485

A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.

And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

#483

A: Do you like any kind of fish?

B: Well, I'm totally addicted to bass.

Monday, 8 October 2012

#482

A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.

B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

#481

Normal people: "What's happening?"

Brass musicians: "What's the buzz?"

Saturday, 6 October 2012

#480

How to make any tragedy more fun:

Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.

Example 1

A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.

B: Highway? More like deathway!

Example 2

A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.

B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!

Example 3

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!

B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!

Friday, 5 October 2012

#479

The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

#478

Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.

And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

#476

I wouldn't pay more than a pair of five dollar notes for a tenor.

Monday, 1 October 2012

#475

Why are basses the best at reading poetry?

They can make anything sound deep.

Sunday, 30 September 2012

#474

What happened when the police caught the criminal with heart problems?

They placed him under cardiac arrest.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

#473

I feel that Slenderman is promoting an unrealistic body image among young people.

Friday, 28 September 2012

#472

The furniture disagreed about who should be the chair of their meeting.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

#471

Lady Gaga is very popular among the cast of Sesame Street, all of whom identify as little monsters.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

#470

If we sugarcoat our surveillance cameras, we may be able to catch people on candied camera.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

#469

Martin hated cricket - to him, it looked like the same thing over and over again.

Monday, 24 September 2012

#468

The art of Jackson Pollock fetches very high prices - some people will really splash out for his work.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

#467

The haemotologist and the hip hop producer found some solidarity as they lamented the difficulty of finding good samples.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

#466

Sean's loose, expansive walking style drew people towards him; they felt invited by his open gait.

Friday, 21 September 2012

#465

There are many terrible stigmas associated with plant reproduction.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

#464

Noah was the only person in his time with the necessary knowledge for his task, which most people dismissed as arkane.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

#463

A: Do you know the young swan who signed this?

B: Yes, I am acquainted with the cygnetory.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

#462

What did Yoda say to the uncertain baker?

"Do or doughnut, there is no try."

Monday, 17 September 2012

#461

Why is surgery like Commedia dell'Arte?

All participants are required to wear masks in the theatre.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

#460

Requiring that people have RSAs to serve alcohol is a classic example of one of Althusser's RSAs.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

#459

Why is the name Saed like a rave party?

Without the E, it's just sad.

Friday, 14 September 2012

#458

The geometer, the pastry chef, and the percussionist all became involved in a love triangle.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

#456

The toothbrush designer, deeply offended, bristled with indignation.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

#455

Max hated transvestite meetings - they always tended to drag.

Monday, 10 September 2012

#454

I want to start a Twitter account, but I'm afraid that I would make a hash of it.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

#453

When she couldn't think of a rice recipe, Imogen the chef always had a last risotto.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

#452

Sam was going to use his slimline gamepad to play the Thomas the Tank Engine game, but he soon realised that he really ought to use a fat controller.

Friday, 7 September 2012

#451

It was time to transmit electricity, and Camden the cable knew that he had to lead the charge.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

#450

The only error in Leonard's performance had been an accidentally flattened third, but he considered that to be a minor glitch.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

#449

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea, not in a pea-green boat, but in an owl-and-catamaran.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

#448

Once people start talking about kangaroos, a reference to the way they move is bound to be made.

Monday, 3 September 2012

#447

A: I'm thinking about making a horror computer game.

B: May I please slend-a hand?

Sunday, 2 September 2012

#446

Ensure that your computer has enough RAM, or ewe may risk looking sheepish.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

#445

I know that it's wrong to connect puppies to batteries, but it's so electrocute!

Friday, 31 August 2012

#444

The floorboards, ceilings, walls, and doors had spent all day preparing themselves to be judged by an independent panel.

Thursday, 30 August 2012

#443

Passionate about her campaign, the painter tried to canvas support. However, after she was framed for a crime, most people brushed her off easelly.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

#442

Songs about loneliness constitute the genre known as sole music.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

#441

What did the man say when the bus ran over him?

"I'm crushed."

Monday, 27 August 2012

#440

Silvi couldn't stop watching films starring women with superpowers. She had to face it: she had a heroine addiction.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

#439

For Catherine, arithmetic was dull; there was nothing that could make her feel number.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

#438

Sophie the sock had had enough of enduring the oppression of the washing machine. It was time to break the cycle.

Friday, 24 August 2012

#437

What is the most popular song of empowerment among endangered seals?

Flo Rida feat David Guetta - Club Can't Handle Me

Thursday, 23 August 2012

#436

Allow me to make you an ice cream. After all, I owe you a flavour.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

#435

Carrie was a great matchmaker. She could always help people to ignite a flame.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

#434

I have news of a recent advancement in wizarding technology. The latest wands are fitted with a spell checker.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Sunday, 19 August 2012

#432

I would teach you how to shoot without aiming down the sight, but I'm afraid that that would be outside the scope of this course.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

#431

If you hear someone use the description "cheap as chips", it is wise to clarify whether they are referring to potato or silicon.

Friday, 17 August 2012

#430

Many farm animals are devoutly religious. Most of them are Cattle-ics.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

#429

How does a porpoise give its official approval?

With its endorsal fins.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

#428

Why are porpoises always smiling?

They always have endor-fins.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

#427

A: My exercise regime has worked well. I'm such a tank!

B: A tank? More like a Panzy.

Monday, 13 August 2012

#426

How does Mario access the Internet?

Using a web Bowser.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

#425

Rodney the ambitious businessman was not satisfied with making a living. He intended to make a killing.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Friday, 10 August 2012

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

#421

A: Stop trying to drink away your problems. No alcohol will help you to put that shelf together.

B: What if I have a Screwdriver?

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Monday, 6 August 2012

#419

Why must the Queen be at every procession? She always has to reign on our parade.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

#418

Teacher: Use the word urinal in a sentence.

Student: If you can't make it to the bathroom in time, ur-in-a-lot of trouble.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

#417

A: Did you notice any Norse gods around here?

B: No, nothing out of the Odinary.

Friday, 3 August 2012

#416

What do you call an unusual imperfection in food?

An om-nom-anomaly.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

#415

A: The amputee told on me? What a goody-one-shoe!

B: Careful, if he hears you, he'll really put his foot down. Not that he can lift it.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

#414

Abandoned by her former fellow humans as she jerkily staggered along, Lila the zombie felt that she had been left in the lurch.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Monday, 30 July 2012

#412

Despite the creative attempts of Jim's lawyer, "getting into the Olympic spirit" and "misinterpreting the meaning of breast stroke" was not a valid defence for indecent assault.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

#411

A: Fifty bucks is too much for a burger!

B: It is very deer.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

#410

"And this is my friend Leila. She lost her eyes about ten years ago. Hey, Leila! Long time no see!"

Friday, 27 July 2012

#409

What did Oliver Twist say in the Indian restaurant?

"Please can I have samosa?"

Thursday, 26 July 2012

#408

Why is graphic design like performing baptisms?

You have to choose a font.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

#407

The mad scientist often argued with his laboratory equipment, but he could never have the last word with the retort stand.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

#406

Models are used to being photographed; this is why they are such snappy dressers.

Monday, 23 July 2012

#405

I hate playing International Relations Uno with her. She always plays the race card.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

#404

Carl, whose only skill was jumping from one pony to another at full gallop, had a brief circus career, since no one wants to see a one-trick pony, even if he is a one-two-pony-trick pony, because that sounds like someone using a pony's inability to count in order to deceive it, which is just mean.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

#403

What's the best part of a cooking contest?

The nom-ination process.

Friday, 20 July 2012

#402

"If you're an amputee and you know it, clap your - oh. Never mind."

Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

#401

Many people exercise to tone their body, hoping to obtain, among other things, a gluteus minimus.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

#399

Helmut is a designer who has combined his passion for underwear and food storage, creating pantryhose and larderhosen.

Monday, 16 July 2012

#398

Why is underage drinking illegal?

To avoid minor hiccups.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

#397

Given the option of the euro, Britain is debating whether to remain bound to the pound, or to call it quids.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

#396

What do you call someone whom birds can easily persuade to surrender his food?

Gullible.

Friday, 13 July 2012

#395

What did the funk musician say to the driver of his van when he wanted it moved to a road over a river?

"Take it to the bridge."

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

#393

The Netherlands has a surprising level of homophobia for a country that relies so heavily on dykes.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

#392

For Graham, the experience of losing his eyelids in a laboratory accident proved to be a real eye-opener.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Sunday, 8 July 2012

#390

Troubled by constipation, Stella sought a spiritual director, to teach her to let go.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

#389

The torturer found that the electric chair was his most effective device. Its victims always confessed to being guilty as charged.

Friday, 6 July 2012

#388

It don't matter if you're black or white.

The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

#387

At the start of a book, the names of all those who are satisfied with it are listed. This list is called the contents.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

#386

A: We are willing to negotiate a pro bono scheme for you.

B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?

A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.

B: The probe? Oh, no!

A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.

B: UpRobo? No!

A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

#385

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to serve spotted dick at the herpes support group's annual luncheon.

Monday, 2 July 2012

#384

On her first day of work at the nursing home, Madeleine learned that the "here comes aeroplane" technique was not effective with suppositories.

Sunday, 1 July 2012

#383

It is best not to argue with waiters, or tennis players, as there is a high risk of being served.

Saturday, 30 June 2012

#382

Why do Peking ducks have long necks?

So that they can peek.

Friday, 29 June 2012

#381

Sherlock Holmes surveyed the bed.

"There are no blankets," he observed. "This bed is quite bare."

"No sheet, Sherlock," agreed Doctor Watson.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

#380

In a monarchy, reasonable people by themselves pose no threat, and tea is harmless, of course. However, when tea and reason are combined, they can result in treason.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

#379

In the Middle Ages, landowners who tried to leave their property to their daughters were often executed for the crime of heiressy.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

#378

The warrior princess was perturbed by a strong sense of déjà vu, as if she had Xen-at all before.

Monday, 25 June 2012

#377

The Angel of Death flew through the land, striking dead the first-born son of every Egyptian family, in the world's first heir-raid.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

#376

Alone once more with his computers, consoles, and other gadgets, Martin took a moment to relish the feeling. He loved being left to his own devices.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

#375

A: Don't worry, my friend. I've got your back.

B: Aah! How will I stand? Give it back! Give it back!

Friday, 22 June 2012

#374

What do you call a bone movement specialist from Egypt?

A Cairopractor.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

#373

The courageous invertebrate wanted to prove once and for all that he was not, as his critics often claimed, spineless.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

#372

Jack's demonstration of the correct and healthy way to sit was met with some suspicion. Many among his audience felt that he was just posturing.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

#371

A: What does 'unisex' mean?

B: I think it's what engineering students do.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Sunday, 17 June 2012

#369

The greatest fear of a librarian is passing the point of no return.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

#368

The favourite video game of herbologists is the classical Fennel Fantasy series.

Friday, 15 June 2012

#367

As he sat down beside his his favourite cow, the farmer realised that he had an audience. Reaching for the udder, he knew that he was going to milk this for all it was worth.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

#366

Tired of suffering under the farmer's tyrannical rule, the chickens rose up in a coop d'état.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

#365

The notes and coins repeatedly tried to unite, but, time and again, they were thwarted by denominational differences.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

#364

I propose an award to acknowledge the person who most successfully managed to fake something at some point in the process of staging a musical. It would be called the Fast Tony.

Monday, 11 June 2012

#363

Samson's show was a huge success. He always brought the house down.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

#362

A: I can see people wandering aimlessly around the building where grain is ground to make flour. What are they doing?

B: I expect they're milling.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

#361

Why did has he joined a group of desert-dwelling nomads? There are so many other things that he could Bedouin.

Friday, 8 June 2012

#360

For centuries, many theologians have believed that gays are destined for hell. Here lies the origin of the term "flaming homosexuals".

Thursday, 7 June 2012

#359

A: How's your holiday in Cuba going?

B: I'm Havana great time.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

#358

As the opera singers' muscles were hyperextended in the torture racks, Gaspar leant back and enjoyed the melodious strains.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

#357

Many people feel that decisions made by their national reserve bank are interesting but overrated.

Monday, 4 June 2012

#356

Mike called his gun Vodka, because he used it to do shots.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

#355

I don't want my tomb to be particularly fancy. I'll be happy with something nondes-crypt.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

#354

Pierre felt that his critics' claims about his cosmetics were without foundation.

Friday, 1 June 2012

#353

Cow A: I think the farmer's coming to choose one of us for leather!

Cow B: Quick, hide!

Thursday, 31 May 2012

#352

Cow A: My sister Klein is giving birth right now.

Cow B: I guess we should call her Calvin' Klein.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

#351

Cow A: Patsy's been working out while her children are at music lessons.

Cow B: That explains her nicely toned calves.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

#350

Cow A: That calf is six months old and still hasn't uttered a word.

Cow B: Maybe it's moote.

Monday, 28 May 2012

#349

Cow A: What's your favourite film?

Cow B: Moolin Rouge.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

#348

Which country has the most effeminate men in Asia?

Campuchea.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

#347

The optometrist's disgruntled customer was creating quite a spectacle.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Thursday, 24 May 2012

#345

"You'll never learn, will ye, Angus? We raise our villages, and we raze our enemies' villages. Not the other way round, Angus! Not the other way round!"

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

#344

Is this a badger that I see before me?

Shakespeare and Farthing Wood are not an effective combination.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

#343

Did you hear about the gay android bouncing on a stick who encouraged a solitary homeless man wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt to seize the day?

"Yolo, mofo!" said the robo homo on a pogo to the solo hobo in a polo.

Monday, 21 May 2012

#342

It is widely believed that Marge Simpson is Homer-sexual.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

#341

Jack had only performed two executions, but he was already getting the hang of it.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

#340

Elly the defence attorney had only represented clients in two cases of indecent assault, but she was already getting the feel of it.

Friday, 18 May 2012

#339

If you see something, say something - preferably something racist and offensive.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

#338

Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and is one with the universe.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

#337

Mark the real estate agent was yet to learn the difference between ducted heating and a heater held together with duct tape.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

#336

Irony is when the word combinatorics is classified as an uncountable noun.

Monday, 14 May 2012

#335

What did the Cookie Monster say when playing the role of Juliet?

O Oreo, Oreo! wherefore art thou Oreo?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

#334

When I said mathematician, I meant combinatorist. Other mathematicians don't count.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Friday, 11 May 2012

#332

Although she generally enjoyed the banter with rival convents, Sister Anne had grown sick of the 'yo momma superior' jokes.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

#331

As the Mother Superior's deputy, Rosetta was second to nun.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

#330

I don't think any priest could ever have been as excited as the one who realised that, instead of "praising God", one could "laud the Lord".

Well, it would have made me very happy.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

#329

Scientists are searching for habitable planets in other star systems, primarily so that lactose intolerant humans need no longer suffer in the Milky Way.

Monday, 7 May 2012

#328

The story of Icarus teaches us that, when things get hot, even the best wingman will fail.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

#327

The Bible is full of people being punished for sending out messengers and representatives, warning us against the deadly sin of envoy.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Friday, 4 May 2012

#325

A: I'm sorry, I will not tolerate bees in my house.

B: You're always such a buzzkill!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

#324

It is the fat in meat the causes it to remain upright. Thus, meat with little or no fat is called lean meat.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

#323

Irony is when an overweight, middle-aged person's hard drive is formatted as FAT32.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

#322

Roger the abalone had no friends. He was very abalonely.

Monday, 30 April 2012

#321

A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?

B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Saturday, 28 April 2012

#319

A: What artist are you listening to?

B: The [mumbled gibberish].

A: The who?

B: Yes, them!

Friday, 27 April 2012

#318

The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

#317

"Winners are wieners!"

It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

#316

A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.

B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.

A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.

B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.

A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.

B: You don't see the point of a mouse?

A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.

B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.

A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.

B: Well, mice like cheese.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

#315

1. Fix my bucket.
2. Kill Liza.

Henry's bucket list was remarkably succinct.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Sunday, 22 April 2012

#313

A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY

The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.

The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.

We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.

The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

#312

Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".

Friday, 20 April 2012

#311

A: I have a puzzle to solve.

B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!

A: That didn't solve anything.

B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

Monday, 16 April 2012

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

Sunday, 15 April 2012

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

Friday, 13 April 2012

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

Monday, 9 April 2012

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

Friday, 6 April 2012

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

Monday, 2 April 2012

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

#291

I'm sick of hearing people talking about Earth Hour. Why won't they just knock it off?

Friday, 30 March 2012

#290

Two's company, three's a crowd, four's is mass times acceleration.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

#289

A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.

B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

#287

A: I just keep wondering, why?

B: Because you have nothing better to do?

Monday, 26 March 2012

#286

Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

#285

If you reflect upon the cigarette industry, you will see that it is all smoke and mirrors.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

#284

The manufacturer of tennis equipment was charged with racketeering.

Friday, 23 March 2012

#283

I love stringed instruments from the Middle Ages. They sound absolutely beautiful.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

#282

1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.

2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

#281

What do you call an infected cavity of pus on an inflamed six-pack?

An abs-cess.