Tuesday, 31 January 2012


I enjoy tidying my room by myself. I feel like the Lone Arranger.

Monday, 30 January 2012


Call me a crotchety old fool, but I quaver with rage at even the most minimal of puns.

Saturday, 28 January 2012


Human cannons don't worry about their job security. They have no fear of being fired.

Thursday, 26 January 2012


He was a Brielliant swordsman, even with a cheese knife, and one quick thrust produced a Fetal wound. He rode away, leaving behind the Gruyèresome corpse of the one who had dared to challenge him. The tale of the Big Cheese would be told fromage to age.

These puns are getting too cheesy.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


While burning a Protestant minister, Catholics would often throw tomato sauce on him, as it goes well with pastor.

Friday, 20 January 2012


A: What's the word for stealing money that you've been trusted with?

B: Embezzle, my nezzle.


A: That was a brilliantly funny gag.

B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.


What do you call a man wearing a sequinned leotard and coughing?



Are there optometrists at Apple stores? I think I have an iProblem.


German anti-sexual harrassment slogan: Nein means nein, or vun more zan eight.


Dentist: Say 'E'.

Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.

Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.



When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.

Saturday, 14 January 2012


Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.

Adele is currently at the top of the charts.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings.


A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?

B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.


A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.

B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.


The leader of this community of monks is an android. The abbot is a bot.


Cucumbers are very difficult to carry. They are so cumbersome.


A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.

B: Not yeti.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012


A: I hope they build that proposed bridge. It'll make my journey to work much shorter.

B: Things are always shorter when abridged.


I maintained my protest against the use of washing machines for a long time, but eventually I had to throw in the towel.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?

B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.


Waiter: What would you like to order?

Diner: Wonton.

Waiter: One tonne! Of what?


A: Ah, Paris: the city of love!

B: I find that the capital of Italy is more Romeantic.


A: Do you think that my poem would be improved by another verse?

B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.


What do couples do on boats?


Friday, 6 January 2012


Next week our church group will stage a protest against the sinful practice of transmitting documents via telephone lines. We are currently painting banners which read GOD HATES FAX.

Thursday, 5 January 2012


Why would noone expose their rear end to Elphaba?

Because noone moons the wicked.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


A: Thank you for the chocolate, much appreciated.

B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.


A: Why are we doing it this way? This is madness.

B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.


In breaking news, a man has released an alternate version of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, entitled I Am Woman, I Shouldn't Speak. Naturally, this has caused an uproar. Most critics are speaking in a calm and civil manner; despite the furore, only a few roar.


Catholics and Protestants are generally on good terms nowadays. Sometimes, representatives from various churches meet for a meal, to promote dialogue and unity. However, these meals are never barbeques, as this would reignite painful memories of burning at the steak.