Wednesday, 29 February 2012


Finding out that he suffered from erectile dysfunction was very hard for him.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012


The thief escaped; that is to say, he stole away into the night.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Sunday, 26 February 2012


Teacher: Use the expression village green in a sentence.

Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.

Saturday, 25 February 2012


I met an utterly deranged man today. He has a cupboard in which he keeps the bones of people who never admitted to being gay. At least, I think that that's what he meant when he said that he had some skeletons in the closet.

Friday, 24 February 2012


The Catholic Church has released a statement in which it expresses its strong opposition to queue-jumping, including testimonies from couples who decided to wait.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


A: That building's about to fall to the ground!

B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.

A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?

B: That's towerible!

A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.

B: Nor can the building stand any longer.

A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.

B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?

A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.

B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!

Pause. A gunshot.

B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012


A: You confused the nominative with the accusative.

B: Well, in that case, I'll fix it.

Monday, 20 February 2012


A: These conical tents are the typical dwelling of the Native Americans of the Great Plains.

B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?

Sunday, 19 February 2012


A: I believe that what was keeping everyone awake was an aesthetic issue.

B: Really? Anaesthetic usually puts people to sleep.

Saturday, 18 February 2012


A: You were afraid of a moth?

B: It was enormous!

A: You were afraid of a slightly larger than average moth?

B: This was not simply a large moth. This was a behemoth.

Friday, 17 February 2012


A: Have you seen that magician's trick? It's amazing! Poof! And it's gone!

B: Kind of like a gay pride march.

Thursday, 16 February 2012


A: Why are you hitting me with that coin?

B: I'm trying to knock some cents into you.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012


He would have sued the reckless brain surgeon, but he didn't have the nerve.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012


Every now and then, I swallow my hands.

And then...

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, got to let go.

Monday, 13 February 2012


When protecting her musical instruments from the elements, she was very thorough. She always made sure that she covered all her basses.

Sunday, 12 February 2012


For hospital administrators, the most important area of mathematics is the order of operations.

Saturday, 11 February 2012


Which novel by Charles Dickens tells the story of a young man convicted of indecent assault?

David Cop-a-feel.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Thursday, 9 February 2012


Who is Krishna? Would he like to borrow my razor? I am referring, of course, to Hairy Krishna.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I want to buy a long, narrow inlet between cliffs, but I can't affjord it.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Monday, 6 February 2012


Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: De Spise girls are my favourite band.

Sunday, 5 February 2012


Teacher: Use the word Tardis in a sentence.

Student: The tard is trying to eat his pencilcase.

Saturday, 4 February 2012


The angry birds launch furious attacks at self-satisfied pigs who lie around doing nothing all day. It's Gender Studies the video game!

Friday, 3 February 2012


What do you call a domesticated wildebeest?

A tame-e-beast.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Wednesday, 1 February 2012


The aspiring actor auditioned at the bakery every day, but never got a roll.