Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Monday, 30 July 2012


Despite the creative attempts of Jim's lawyer, "getting into the Olympic spirit" and "misinterpreting the meaning of breast stroke" was not a valid defence for indecent assault.

Sunday, 29 July 2012


A: Fifty bucks is too much for a burger!

B: It is very deer.

Saturday, 28 July 2012


"And this is my friend Leila. She lost her eyes about ten years ago. Hey, Leila! Long time no see!"

Friday, 27 July 2012


What did Oliver Twist say in the Indian restaurant?

"Please can I have samosa?"

Thursday, 26 July 2012


Why is graphic design like performing baptisms?

You have to choose a font.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012


The mad scientist often argued with his laboratory equipment, but he could never have the last word with the retort stand.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012


Models are used to being photographed; this is why they are such snappy dressers.

Monday, 23 July 2012


I hate playing International Relations Uno with her. She always plays the race card.

Sunday, 22 July 2012


Carl, whose only skill was jumping from one pony to another at full gallop, had a brief circus career, since no one wants to see a one-trick pony, even if he is a one-two-pony-trick pony, because that sounds like someone using a pony's inability to count in order to deceive it, which is just mean.

Saturday, 21 July 2012


What's the best part of a cooking contest?

The nom-ination process.

Friday, 20 July 2012


"If you're an amputee and you know it, clap your - oh. Never mind."

Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.

Thursday, 19 July 2012


Many people exercise to tone their body, hoping to obtain, among other things, a gluteus minimus.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Tuesday, 17 July 2012


Helmut is a designer who has combined his passion for underwear and food storage, creating pantryhose and larderhosen.

Monday, 16 July 2012


Why is underage drinking illegal?

To avoid minor hiccups.

Sunday, 15 July 2012


Given the option of the euro, Britain is debating whether to remain bound to the pound, or to call it quids.

Saturday, 14 July 2012


What do you call someone whom birds can easily persuade to surrender his food?


Friday, 13 July 2012


What did the funk musician say to the driver of his van when he wanted it moved to a road over a river?

"Take it to the bridge."

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Wednesday, 11 July 2012


The Netherlands has a surprising level of homophobia for a country that relies so heavily on dykes.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012


For Graham, the experience of losing his eyelids in a laboratory accident proved to be a real eye-opener.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Sunday, 8 July 2012


Troubled by constipation, Stella sought a spiritual director, to teach her to let go.

Saturday, 7 July 2012


The torturer found that the electric chair was his most effective device. Its victims always confessed to being guilty as charged.

Friday, 6 July 2012


It don't matter if you're black or white.

The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.

Thursday, 5 July 2012


At the start of a book, the names of all those who are satisfied with it are listed. This list is called the contents.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012


A: We are willing to negotiate a pro bono scheme for you.

B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?

A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.

B: The probe? Oh, no!

A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.

B: UpRobo? No!

A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012


In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to serve spotted dick at the herpes support group's annual luncheon.

Monday, 2 July 2012


On her first day of work at the nursing home, Madeleine learned that the "here comes aeroplane" technique was not effective with suppositories.

Sunday, 1 July 2012


It is best not to argue with waiters, or tennis players, as there is a high risk of being served.