Monday, 30 April 2012

#321

A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?

B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Saturday, 28 April 2012

#319

A: What artist are you listening to?

B: The [mumbled gibberish].

A: The who?

B: Yes, them!

Friday, 27 April 2012

#318

The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

#317

"Winners are wieners!"

It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

#316

A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.

B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.

A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.

B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.

A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.

B: You don't see the point of a mouse?

A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.

B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.

A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.

B: Well, mice like cheese.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

#315

1. Fix my bucket.
2. Kill Liza.

Henry's bucket list was remarkably succinct.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Sunday, 22 April 2012

#313

A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY

The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.

The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.

We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.

The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

#312

Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".

Friday, 20 April 2012

#311

A: I have a puzzle to solve.

B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!

A: That didn't solve anything.

B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

Monday, 16 April 2012

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

Sunday, 15 April 2012

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

Friday, 13 April 2012

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

Monday, 9 April 2012

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

Friday, 6 April 2012

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

Monday, 2 April 2012

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.