Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Monday, 30 July 2012

#412

Despite the creative attempts of Jim's lawyer, "getting into the Olympic spirit" and "misinterpreting the meaning of breast stroke" was not a valid defence for indecent assault.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

#411

A: Fifty bucks is too much for a burger!

B: It is very deer.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

#410

"And this is my friend Leila. She lost her eyes about ten years ago. Hey, Leila! Long time no see!"

Friday, 27 July 2012

#409

What did Oliver Twist say in the Indian restaurant?

"Please can I have samosa?"

Thursday, 26 July 2012

#408

Why is graphic design like performing baptisms?

You have to choose a font.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

#407

The mad scientist often argued with his laboratory equipment, but he could never have the last word with the retort stand.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

#406

Models are used to being photographed; this is why they are such snappy dressers.

Monday, 23 July 2012

#405

I hate playing International Relations Uno with her. She always plays the race card.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

#404

Carl, whose only skill was jumping from one pony to another at full gallop, had a brief circus career, since no one wants to see a one-trick pony, even if he is a one-two-pony-trick pony, because that sounds like someone using a pony's inability to count in order to deceive it, which is just mean.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

#403

What's the best part of a cooking contest?

The nom-ination process.

Friday, 20 July 2012

#402

"If you're an amputee and you know it, clap your - oh. Never mind."

Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

#401

Many people exercise to tone their body, hoping to obtain, among other things, a gluteus minimus.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

#399

Helmut is a designer who has combined his passion for underwear and food storage, creating pantryhose and larderhosen.

Monday, 16 July 2012

#398

Why is underage drinking illegal?

To avoid minor hiccups.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

#397

Given the option of the euro, Britain is debating whether to remain bound to the pound, or to call it quids.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

#396

What do you call someone whom birds can easily persuade to surrender his food?

Gullible.

Friday, 13 July 2012

#395

What did the funk musician say to the driver of his van when he wanted it moved to a road over a river?

"Take it to the bridge."

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

#393

The Netherlands has a surprising level of homophobia for a country that relies so heavily on dykes.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

#392

For Graham, the experience of losing his eyelids in a laboratory accident proved to be a real eye-opener.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Sunday, 8 July 2012

#390

Troubled by constipation, Stella sought a spiritual director, to teach her to let go.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

#389

The torturer found that the electric chair was his most effective device. Its victims always confessed to being guilty as charged.

Friday, 6 July 2012

#388

It don't matter if you're black or white.

The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

#387

At the start of a book, the names of all those who are satisfied with it are listed. This list is called the contents.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

#386

A: We are willing to negotiate a pro bono scheme for you.

B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?

A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.

B: The probe? Oh, no!

A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.

B: UpRobo? No!

A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

#385

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to serve spotted dick at the herpes support group's annual luncheon.

Monday, 2 July 2012

#384

On her first day of work at the nursing home, Madeleine learned that the "here comes aeroplane" technique was not effective with suppositories.

Sunday, 1 July 2012

#383

It is best not to argue with waiters, or tennis players, as there is a high risk of being served.