Wednesday, 31 October 2012

#505

The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

#504

Mathematics is full of jokes; geometry is particularly conical.

Monday, 29 October 2012

#503

What made ancient Egyptian rulers so attractive?

Pharaoh-mones.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

#502

What did the thief do when she was caught robbing the hardware store?

She bolted.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

#501

A: Singers with higher voices always sound nicer.

B: That is bassist.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Thursday, 25 October 2012

#499

The flame that ignited the Big Bang came from a match made in heaven.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

#498

Pierre the film critic described Prune Juice as "very moving", and gave it "two thumbs up".

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

#497

On the pillar was scrawled a warning:

Drug-takers will be stoned.

Monday, 22 October 2012

#496

Most of the people who opposed communism in China were too afraid to Mao-nt a protest.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

#495

The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

#494

The balloon industry is one of the few to profit from inflation.

Friday, 19 October 2012

#493

I wanted to make a joke about Monica Lewinsky, but I couldn't think of a good gag.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

#492

Many female animals, once they reach a certain age, undergo a process known as menopaws.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

#490

A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!

B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.

Monday, 15 October 2012

#489

Success in music exams weighs heavily on scales. It also rests upon the use of silence.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

#488

What did Yoda say when he was the referee of a rugby match?

"Do or do not, there is no try."

Saturday, 13 October 2012

#487

The taxi driver hesitated to drive forward, knowing that it could be dangerous to break ranks.

Friday, 12 October 2012

#486

Hitler appreciated muscular, unintelligent women such as Eva, who was all Braun and no brains.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

#485

A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.

And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

#483

A: Do you like any kind of fish?

B: Well, I'm totally addicted to bass.

Monday, 8 October 2012

#482

A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.

B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

#481

Normal people: "What's happening?"

Brass musicians: "What's the buzz?"

Saturday, 6 October 2012

#480

How to make any tragedy more fun:

Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.

Example 1

A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.

B: Highway? More like deathway!

Example 2

A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.

B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!

Example 3

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!

B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!

Friday, 5 October 2012

#479

The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

#478

Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.

And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

#476

I wouldn't pay more than a pair of five dollar notes for a tenor.

Monday, 1 October 2012

#475

Why are basses the best at reading poetry?

They can make anything sound deep.