Monday, 31 December 2012

#566

A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.

B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

#565

Police officers have a very demanding job - there are no easy cop-outs.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

#564

As world markets plummeted, investors looked to the furniture industry to cushion the fall.

Friday, 28 December 2012

#563

What is the name for the cut of beef taken from the crotch of a nobleman's cow?

Sirloin.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

#562

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

#560

After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.

Monday, 24 December 2012

#559

Why did the pirate rattle his treasure chest?

He wanted to shake his booty.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

#558

Doctor Who's landlord was happy to renew his lease; he was a very good Tennant.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

#557

Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?

Doctor Hu.

Friday, 21 December 2012

#556

The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

#555

Freud was not an efficient carpenter - he kept trying to deconstruct the shelf.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

#554

"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

#553

Christa had no patience for people who didn't have toes; she was lack-toes intolerant.

Monday, 17 December 2012

#552

Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".

Sunday, 16 December 2012

#551

The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

#550

Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.

Friday, 14 December 2012

#549

The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

#548

Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

#546

What did Yoda say when knitting blankets in Australia?

"Do or doona, there is no try."

Monday, 10 December 2012

#545

Sandwich Hand A: "Sandwich Hand B! I believe that you are not well-bread at all!"

Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."

Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."

Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."



I'm on a roll today.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

#544

I think that spontaneous humour is wonderful; I love inci-dental puns. Sometimes I just want to spit out something fresh, something into which I can really sink my teeth, something that rolls off the tongue nicely. If you've got a bad filling about this by now, please pardon my gum-ption, and brace yourself: we're going to get to the root of this matter. You know the drill.

If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

#543

A: Ew! We're standing in a garden patch!

B: I see that there is a plot afoot.

Friday, 7 December 2012

#542

What is the term for staccato markings in accordion sheet music?

Polka dots.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

#541

What did the judge with obsessive-compulsive disorder say?

"Order, order!"

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Monday, 3 December 2012

#538

Lorence is so homophobic that he won't even eat a Golden Gaytime.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

#537

Ever since he was placed in charge of the blender at the milk bar, Sab considered himself to be a smoothie operator.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

#536

Laura set high standards for herself when drying grapes; she was always raisin the bar.