Thursday 31 January 2013

#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

Tuesday 29 January 2013

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

Monday 28 January 2013

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

Sunday 27 January 2013

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

Saturday 26 January 2013

Friday 25 January 2013

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

Thursday 24 January 2013

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

Monday 21 January 2013

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

Sunday 20 January 2013

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

Saturday 19 January 2013

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

Friday 18 January 2013

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

Thursday 17 January 2013

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

Tuesday 15 January 2013

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

Monday 14 January 2013

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

Sunday 13 January 2013

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

Saturday 12 January 2013

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

Friday 11 January 2013

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

Thursday 10 January 2013

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

Wednesday 9 January 2013

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

Tuesday 8 January 2013

#574

There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

Monday 7 January 2013

#573

Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

Sunday 6 January 2013

#572

A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

Saturday 5 January 2013

#571

After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

Friday 4 January 2013

#570

Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

Thursday 3 January 2013

#569

The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

#568

Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?

Jew-dough.

Tuesday 1 January 2013

#567

A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.