Wednesday 31 July 2013

#778

What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

Tuesday 30 July 2013

#777

A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

Monday 29 July 2013

#776

Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

Sunday 28 July 2013

#775

A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

Saturday 27 July 2013

#774

A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

Friday 26 July 2013

#773

What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?

Pen-sion.

Thursday 25 July 2013

#772

A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

Wednesday 24 July 2013

#771

As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

Tuesday 23 July 2013

#770

Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

Monday 22 July 2013

#769

A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

Sunday 21 July 2013

#768

What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

Saturday 20 July 2013

#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

Friday 19 July 2013

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

Thursday 18 July 2013

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

Wednesday 17 July 2013

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

Tuesday 16 July 2013

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

Monday 15 July 2013

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

Sunday 14 July 2013

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

Saturday 13 July 2013

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

Friday 12 July 2013

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

Thursday 11 July 2013

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

Wednesday 10 July 2013

Tuesday 9 July 2013

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

Monday 8 July 2013

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

Sunday 7 July 2013

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

Saturday 6 July 2013

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

Friday 5 July 2013

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

Thursday 4 July 2013

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

Wednesday 3 July 2013

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

Tuesday 2 July 2013

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

Monday 1 July 2013

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."