Thursday, 31 January 2013


Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Tuesday, 29 January 2013


After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

Monday, 28 January 2013


Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

Sunday, 27 January 2013


Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Friday, 25 January 2013


What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?


Thursday, 24 January 2013


Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013


If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

Monday, 21 January 2013


A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

Sunday, 20 January 2013


Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

Saturday, 19 January 2013


What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

Friday, 18 January 2013


It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

Thursday, 17 January 2013


Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

Monday, 14 January 2013


"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

Sunday, 13 January 2013


Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

Saturday, 12 January 2013


My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

Friday, 11 January 2013


Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

Thursday, 10 January 2013


Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013


Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013


There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

Monday, 7 January 2013


Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

Sunday, 6 January 2013


A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

Saturday, 5 January 2013


After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

Friday, 4 January 2013


Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

Thursday, 3 January 2013


The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013


Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?


Tuesday, 1 January 2013


A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.