Sunday, 31 March 2013

#656

The aging mobster was so shocked by the sudden entry of police into his den that he suffered a heart attack. It was later referred to as a cardiac arrest.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

#655

Most of the time, it was an ordinary house; but, every full moon, it was transformed into a warehouse.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Thursday, 28 March 2013

#653

Critics agreed that the greatest strength of Slumdog Millionaire was the caste.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

#652

A: Would you like to learn how to tie together thin strings of timber?

B: I wood knot.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Monday, 25 March 2013

#650

What did the beaver say when he learned that his home river was being affected by global warming?

"Hot dam!"

Sunday, 24 March 2013

#649

What did the plumber say when the electrical supplies company gave her free advertising?

"Thanks for the plug."

Saturday, 23 March 2013

#648

As the Japanese gardeners charged, their blood-curdling scream rang around the valley.

"BONSAIIIIII!"

Friday, 22 March 2013

#647

What did Goldilocks eat at the house of the Three Bears?

Paw-ridge.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

#646

A: Do I have copyright permission to use any of these photos?

B: You can use the photo of the goods in store, the photo of the cattle, the photo of the powdered beef, and the photo of the tree trunk - they're all stock images.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

#645

Fiona found her new, well-fitting gloves very useful; they were very handy.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

#644

Teacher: Use the word accord in a sentence.

Student: I need to tie up this bundle of sticks, but I don't have accord.

Monday, 18 March 2013

#643

Employer: It says here that you worked as an engineer.

Candidate: Yes, my work there was in remote operations. As the lead engineer, I coordinated overseas projects.

Employer: More like an engi-far.

Candidate: I no longer want this job.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Saturday, 16 March 2013

#641

"Did you cook Megan's meal first just because she's a vegetarian? I can't believe you'd put herbivore me."

Friday, 15 March 2013

#640

As an actress, Jennifer was one of the very best at crying; she knew that she was definitely ranked in the top tear.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

#639

An alleged quarrel between the former Pope Benedict XVI and the newly elected Pope Francis I has been reported, but journalists remain uncertain of the motives for this pon-tiff.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

#638

The sergeant gazed glumly at the large pile of floppy hats before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the heap.

"It was hard, sir. Especially here in Afghanistan, sir. But I managed to find enough for the whole squad sir," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The sergeant sighed.

"Fetch us Berettas, I said, Private Gorton. Not berets, Berettas."

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

#637

Today on Unusual Collectors, we met Larry, who keeps a stache of facial hair.

Monday, 11 March 2013

#636

Penny was partial to Swiss cheese; she found it very holesome.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

#635

The lawn maintenance group, like many other community collectives, considered itself a grassroots movement.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

#634

Gabriel the perfumer was having problems with his emails - he couldn't access the scent items.

Friday, 8 March 2013

#633

Emma liked to use her freerunning skills to spy on her colleagues. This earned her the nickname "nosy parkour".

Thursday, 7 March 2013

#632

Many banks have begun to offer carpenters a vault in which to store any spare bits of wood. These are known as shavings accounts.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

#631

Mathematician A: What's your favourite inequality?

Mathematician B: Racism.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

#630

Teacher: Use the word supersede in a sentence.

Student: You can grow an epic plant if you have a supersede.

Monday, 4 March 2013

#629

The hens formed an association in order to lobby together for more corn. It was called the Chicken Co-op.

Sunday, 3 March 2013

#628

Most people thought that Boris was a clear favourite to win the World Drooling Championships. However, he did not live up to expectorations.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

#627

Arnaud had established a shop dedicated solely to disgusting fruit and vegetables. It was to be called a grosserie.

Friday, 1 March 2013

#626

What did Jesus say when he secured a sports broadcast for his network?

"I have come that they may have live coverage, and have it to the fullest."