Monday, 30 September 2013

#839

"Look at that dentist. Look at that sickeningly smug Pharisee, thinking he can lecture all of us about oral hygiene from atop his salivary tower."

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Saturday, 28 September 2013

#837

"Here's mine. What do you think, professor?"

Radeya recoiled from the mass of flesh on her desk, still dripping with blood. She looked up at Simonetta, who was beaming proudly, and reflected that she should have given some clarification to her most literal-minded student when asking the class to design a coat of arms.

Friday, 27 September 2013

#836

A: Why don't you like baseball?

B: It's just not cricket.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

#835

I considered making a pun about traditional English pastries, but I didn't want to sound Cornish.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

#834

As the sheep looked sadly at the bucket full of her wool, she reflected that her predicament was shear bad luck.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

#833

What did the fisherwoman say to her ex-boyfriend?

"If you liked it then you should have put herring on it."

Monday, 23 September 2013

#832

The nature of addiction means that people who begin to undertake behaviours such as self-harm or taking drugs feel often compelled to continue in that vein.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

#831

If you lack confidence, try taking a bath - it might improve your self esteam.

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Friday, 20 September 2013

#829

A: Do you know anything about units of computer memory?

B: I know a bit.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

#828

The three-dimensional model of the disaster was extremely graphic; it was quite a dire-rama.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

#826

In the aftermath of the nuclear accident, the Ukrainian workers performed many Cher-noble acts of courage.

Monday, 16 September 2013

#825

Diana was always modest about her ability to both build and play brass instruments - she didn't like to blow her own horn.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

#824

A: Do you think you can make a shoe by tomorrow?

B: I'm sure I can cobble something together.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

#823

A: I don't like Robert Tapert's Warrior Princess franchise.

B: Stop being so Xena-phobic.

Friday, 13 September 2013

#822

A: How's your holiday in England going?

B: Terrible! No one told me about the currency, so I have to go fishing.

A: What? Why?

B: I tried to buy some food and the guy in the shop said that it would cost six squid.

A: You mean quid.

B: Well, hark at the naysayer. I will not quit. I will catch a squid. Or three hundred.

A: Quid means pound. The currency is pounds.

B: Pounds? How can pounds possibly be a currency? How many are there in England? How many squid do I need to catch to buy a whole pound? If I just round up a bunch of stray animals, will that qualify as a pound? How many animals do you need before you can call it a pound?

A: You know what? Forget what I said. Go catch some squid. Use your tongue as bait.

B: I have some inkling of how it's done.

A: Do you now?

B: Get it? Inkling? Because of squid ink? I was eating some squid earlier today when I thought of that pun.

A: You were eating squid? How did you acquire it?

B: I bought it.

A: You did what?

B: Oh, yeah, I know what pounds and quid mean. I just wanted to make the squid and inkling pun. I guess you -

A: I hate you.

B: - took the bait.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

#821

A: My dog's been really sad after its accident.

B: If you want to cheer it up, why don't you take it for a walk?

A: Have you completely missed the events of the last two days? It lost three of its legs.

B: In that case, why don't you take it for a spin?

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

#820

A: Help me, B! My legs are caught in the whirlpool! Do something!

B: Relax, A. Don't get your trousers in a twist.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

#819

"I brought the spinal samples, like you asked," said the intern, indicating the box. David looked at her and chuckled. The kid had some nerve.

Monday, 9 September 2013

#818

A: I feel awful. Today the doctor gave me a laxative.

B: Laxative? More like lacks-control.

A: I hate you.

B: Lacks control of your bowels, because-

A: I GOT IT.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

#817

When is it cannibalism for a human to eat a fish?

When the human's name is Finn.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

#816

A: There's a fire in the tropical rainforest!

B: Oh no! It must be a real in-fern-o!

Friday, 6 September 2013

#815

A: My doctor said that I have extremely high cholesterol.

B: Why do they call it cholesterol?

A: Does it matter? I'm really worried about my health.

B: I mean, when there's too much, wouldn't it make more sense to call it cho-more-terol?

Thursday, 5 September 2013

#814

EXACT CASH ONLY

Bridget shook her head at the sign and sighed. "Some things never change."

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

#813

"The prosecution would like to present evidence that the accused did indeed commit acts of indecent exposure from his car. It's all here on our flash drive."

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

#812

A: I am very unsatisfied with my manicurist.

B: Maybe you should file a complaint.

Monday, 2 September 2013

#811

What do you call an amicable bond formed at sea?

Friend-ship.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

#810

A: My monitor doesn't seem to be working.

B: Don't worry, I can gra-fix it.