Thursday, 31 October 2013

#870

"Mr Pell, do you have a motto?"

"Oh, yes, Doctor. Sharing is caring. That's my life motto."

"Because I have your test results, Mr Pell. You have syphilis."

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

#869

Vincent van Gogh found the ghostly apparition earily familiar.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

#868

Which famous building is the most popular spot for suicides?

The I-fell Tower.

Monday, 28 October 2013

#867

"I swear, Skrillex, if you do that one more time, you'll be out of the choir! You shouldn't even be trying to pick up the bass, let alone dropping him!"

Sunday, 27 October 2013

#866

In the past, Iulia had found it hard to keep track of medieval Japanese military nobility, but this presentation had neatly Samuraised it for her.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

#865

Adrian, an avid Dominion player, switched from Facebook to Google's social network in the hope of some plus action.

Friday, 25 October 2013

#864

"Please," begged the Mediterranean baker, "take pita on me!"

Thursday, 24 October 2013

#863

A A Milne's first attempts at selling his work to publishers were met with much pooh-poohing.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

#861

What do you call a homeless person upon whom people are jumping?

A trampoline.

Monday, 21 October 2013

#860

The princess, ever a photography enthusiast, kissed the frog, hoping it would turn into some handsome prints.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

#859

A: People can still walk around for several hours after losing their intestines.

B: That would be a gutless wander.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

#858

A: Have you seen the headlines? The psychiatric hospital has been secretly being electrocuting patients.

B: Oh no! That's shocking news!

Friday, 18 October 2013

#857

Kurt felt offended by the association; his replies were always polite, gentle, and elaborate.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

#856

"I'll have some of the liquid remaining after curdling and straining milk."

"Eat in or take a-whey?"

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

#855

Which Eastern European country is named for its impressive fungal growths?

Mouldova.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

#854

Having her trip diverted to a county in South West England made Suzy Bristol with rage.

Monday, 14 October 2013

#853

The barber decided to have a discounted happy hour. He called it Daylight Shaving Time.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

#852

Which Dickens novel told the story of a backpacker who was torn between comfortable sofas in different houses?

A Tale of Two Settees.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

#851

What's metal, has four prongs, and probably won't understand this joke?

A fork.

Friday, 11 October 2013

#850

Why did the lawyer buy a scratching post?

To sharpen his clause.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

#849

James the hunter knew that his upper body strength was insufficient; he was going to have to lift his game.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

#848

What can be found in the kitchen of an Indian convent?

Lots of naan.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

#847

A: Two of the people I've invited are pansexual. Do you know what that means?

B: Not exactly, but I'm not letting them near my kitchen.

Monday, 7 October 2013

#846

What is the favourite cocktail of Hawaiian evangelical Christians?

Sects on the Beach.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

#845

What kind of cheese tastes like Italian bacon when cooked?

Pan-cheddar.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

#844

After two years of downsizing departments, Apple is still mourning the loss of Jobs.

Friday, 4 October 2013

#843

In his youth, the butterfly had been a cater-pillar of the community.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

#842

What do you call a sad piece of intestinal bacteria?

Melan-coli.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

#841

The government of the United States of America has been shut down temporarily; this is known as a Cong-rest.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

#840

The incision was precise; it revealed exactly what he wanted to see. "Gland ahoy," cried the ship's surgeon.

The first mate was seasick for the first time in her life, and, despite being under anaesthetic, the patient winced.