Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Monday, 30 December 2013

Sunday, 29 December 2013

#929

Aravind avoided boiled sweets, as he tended to waste time choking on them - and he had no time for lollygagging.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

#928

What kind of domestic animal lives on the floors of automobiles?

Car-pets.

Friday, 27 December 2013

#927

What did the wireless pirate cry upon finding an internet connection?

"LAN ahoy!"

Thursday, 26 December 2013

#926

"So the doctor says to me, make sure you get up and walk on the plane, or you'll be at risk of deep vein thrombosis! So I ask him why, and he says he doesn't have time to go into the reasons, so I say to him, I don't think you have any deep vein throm-basis. And he punches me."

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

#925

For novice historians, confusing the dates of events that happened before and after the birth of Jesus is a fairly Common Error.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

#924

A: I would normally never let you into my house, B, but it's Christmas Eve. Come and stay with me. I only hope that the time you've spent homeless will have at least reduced your desire to make puns.

B: Thank you, A. But I should warn you: not even spending a week on the street could curb that.

A: Oh well. Try to restrain yourself. Merry Christmas, B.

[They walk off together.]

B: Hey, A?

A: Yes?

B: Have you read that best-selling autobiography of the woman who could not stay still?

A: I haven't even heard of it.

B: It's generally considered to be very moving.

A: Why me? Why, why, why?

B: Merry Christmas, A.

Monday, 23 December 2013

#923

A: Have you had anything to eat since yesterday?

B: Oh, I managed to squirrel up something.

A: Squirrel up? That's not a thing.

B: Think about it.

A: I am, and it doesn't seem to make any-

B: I ate a squirrel, okay?

Sunday, 22 December 2013

#922

A: I understand that you need to go through people's garbage, but could you not leave it in such a mess?

B: Would you say that I've scattered it?

A: Yes, that's exactly-

B: That I've trashed it?

Saturday, 21 December 2013

#921

A: Did you find any food today?

B: I managed to rat out a thing or two.

Friday, 20 December 2013

#920

A: How's life on the street?

B: It's a wonderfully eye-opening experience - although I think I might get tired of watching twilight every day.

Thursday, 19 December 2013

#919

A: Could you please stop telling me about that warehouse sale? I'm trying to do some work, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't need your interference.

B: Interference? More like inter-clearance!

A: Don't make me lash out at-

B: Lash? More like slashed prices!

A: It's not even your warehouse!

B: Not my warehouse? More like, where is my house?

A: You don't have a house right now, do you?

B: I don't have a house? More like I don't have much time to grab these crazy bargains!

A: They're not going to give you a place to stay just because you advertise their sale.

B: Homeless and desperate? More like, I'm holding out for all their cardboard boxes to build my new home!

A: You can stay with me if you promise not to make puns.

B: Promise not to make puns? More like, can't wait for my exciting new adventure on the streets!

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

#918

Everyone at the morgue was nervous; they knew that they were undertaking a huge task.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

#917

Sabrina's idea for a new luxury aircraft was dismissed by the board as a mere flight of fancy.

Monday, 16 December 2013

#916

The landscaping power tool inventor was developing a massive device to sand dunes.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

#915

After her accident, the marine biologist had taken to carrying a mollusc wherever she went; now, she always walked with a limpet.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

#914

Baffled by the condition, the dermatologist pored over all her reference books.

Friday, 13 December 2013

#913

Having just moved from his home enclosure to a tank full of electric eels, Donato the clam was struggling with the culture shock.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

#912

A: No, it's a ridiculous proposition. I will not invest in this crazy scheme of yours.

B: Aw, you're no fund.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

#911

What did the railroad pervert say upon reading a deeply tragic story?

"All aboard the feels train."

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

#910

Having mist the place for many years, his memory was foggy.

Monday, 9 December 2013

#909

The capacity for self-publication provided by the internet permits a highly competitive environment in which, for example, people making short films using their phones are all Vine for attention.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

#908

You can't wear pantaloons. That breeches our dress code.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

#907

"You know I hate innuendo. I can't believe you would al-lewd to such a thing."

Friday, 6 December 2013

#906

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does that mean that the other trees aren't even listening? Perhaps this explains why the tree decided to fall in the first place.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

#905

What do you call a small curved stick made shortly after World War II that returns to its thrower?

A baby boomerang.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

#904

Upon hearing the proposal, the mongrel had no choice but to con-cur.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

#903

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that a flood is happening?

Deluge-ional.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Sunday, 1 December 2013