Wednesday, 31 December 2014

#1296

Why is it fun to go adventures with kitchen burglars?

You know that they're whisk takers.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

#1295

Glenys's "original" cake recipes were in fact stolen; she was secretly sponging off the work of others.

Monday, 29 December 2014

#1294

Normally, Declan wouldn't have complained about the head of a school, but this time he felt that it was a matter of principal.

Sunday, 28 December 2014

#1293

A: How did she go on her final tests at the tennis academy?

B: She aced them.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

#1292

What do you call the list of items on the syllabus of an Indian cookery school?

The curry-culum.

Friday, 26 December 2014

#1291

A: Is that high quality crayfish?

B: Naw, that shit cray.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

#1290

A: Whenever I see a Nativity scene, I can't help but wonder what the angels are doing.

B: Just chilling in the crib, I suppose.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

#1289

Why did the company sponsor elite tennis players?

They were guaranteed of strong returns.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

#1288

After his service game failed, Bernard was a broken man.

Monday, 22 December 2014

#1287

Working as an assistant to the clumsy milliner, Tess had to be ready to tidy up at the drop of a hat.

Sunday, 21 December 2014

#1286

A: How much does a typical amputation cost?

B: An arm and a leg.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

#1285

The warden didn't appreciate the prisoners complaining about their food at his annual review; it would only add gruel to the fire.

Friday, 19 December 2014

#1284

Why did the wildcat have to continue with basketball even though he wanted to play tennis?

Because a leopard can't change his sports.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

#1283

What do you call the period of heavy traffic that occurs when a large number of clients need to visit their gynaecologists?

Thrush hour.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

#1282

When does traffic become irritating?

During pique hour.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

#1281

Why did the parish hire a forger in response to the rival church's festival?

To produce a counterfĂȘte.

Monday, 15 December 2014

#1280

The gangster mechanic did most of his work in the hood.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

#1279

A: Do you think we'll be late?

B: Not on my watch!

[A moment of silence.]

B: Because we'll check the time. On my wa-

A: I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CLOCK.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

#1278

Lisa the tattooist dreamed of being a famous author; one day, she hoped to write a navel.

Friday, 12 December 2014

#1277

What do you call a story about guns composed of letters exchanged between the characters?

A pistolary novel.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

#1276

"My dear Archimedes, you must stop running naked through the streets. Every time you discover something, Eureka lot of mayhem."

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

#1275

Christine didn't think too much about money; she spent it very cash-ually.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

#1274

What did the tiger police officer say to the tipsy Bengal?

"You must be saber to drive."

Monday, 8 December 2014

#1273

What did the religious cheesemaker say when things got out of control?

"Jesus, take the wheel."

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Saturday, 6 December 2014

#1271

What do you call the sadness experienced when a cantaloupe goes rotten?

Melon-coli.

Friday, 5 December 2014

#1270

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the illegal substances before him, then at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the piles of leaves and beaming proudly. The sergeant sighed.

"I said I wanted potted plants for my office, Jackson. Not pot plants. Potted plants."

Thursday, 4 December 2014

#1269

How do Spanish tennis associations raise money?

They hold a Rafa.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

#1268

Teacher: Use the word detention in a sentence.

Student: When I feel stressed about the possibility that you might give me a bad grade, that's D-tension.

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

#1267

When do Australians make friends?

During the mating season.

Monday, 1 December 2014

#1266

Estonian artists are internationally considered to be quite Tallinnted.

Sunday, 30 November 2014

#1265

A: I have the milk permeate in a portable container.

B: Whey to go!

Saturday, 29 November 2014

#1264

Fergus tried to think of a gentle way to tell his girlfriend that her oral sex was too rough, but could find no way to soften the blow.

Friday, 28 November 2014

#1263

A: Have you looked at the geese yet?

B: Yes, I had a gander.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

#1262

Alex hated the Vietnamese capital - he found it very Hanoi-ing.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

#1261

In what kind of coffin was the Russian emperor buried?

A tsarcophagus.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

#1260

What do you call the sound made by ancient Egyptian paper in the wind?

Papyrustling.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Sunday, 23 November 2014

#1258

The rebellious crop farmer was known for going against the grain.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

#1257

A: I've become an expert on Asian politics. Ask me anything.

B: Do you know who was the President of Indonesia from 2004 to 2014?

A: Yudhoyono.

B: No, I do know, I'm asking whether you do.

Friday, 21 November 2014

#1256

A: I wish I could style my hair like that.

B: Don't be gel-ous.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

#1255

"Yes, I know I forgot the gold coating! I don't need your gilt trip."

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

#1254

"Back off or I'll knock your block off!"

The mobster's babysitter smiled wearily.

"That's not how we share our Lego, is it, Danny?"

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

#1253

The sailor's desire to wed his clock was forbidden under marry-time law.

Monday, 17 November 2014

#1252

The two metalworkers, denied permission to marry from their families, had decided to steel away into the night.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

#1251

Verity wondered whether she had become more distant from her family after switching to bath sponges; perhaps returning to natural exfoliation would make her less aloofah.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

#1250

In which European capital is a river blocked with rodents?

Hamsterdam.

Friday, 14 November 2014

#1249

What song did Bon Jovi write after a holiday in Walnut Grove?

Livin' On A Prairie

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

#1246

The cobblers had worked together in the same shop for years - they saw each other as sole mates.

Monday, 10 November 2014

#1245

Helen easily found a job restoring cars - she had an eye for detail.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

#1244

The general looked at the diagram of the territory, filled with every kind of wagon, and sighed. Clearly, her staff had not understood the meaning of cartographer.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

#1243

The tanning instructor was known as a hard bask-master.

Friday, 7 November 2014

#1242

"All who wish to follow me must abandon their hives of honey! Such is the sacrifice required to become a bee-leaver."

Thursday, 6 November 2014

#1241

What do you call the followers of a spiritual leader who are responsible for insulting other religions?

Diss-iples.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

#1240

What do you call someone who's crying because they're not transgendered?

A cissy.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

#1239

Where does the government of the Philippines store its documents?

In Manila folders.

Monday, 3 November 2014

#1238

A: Are you serious about the baby goats?

B: No, I'm just kidding.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

#1237

The filmmaker avoided Vine; she felt that it was easy pickings.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

#1236

What did the police officer say when subduing an offender?

"Cop that!"

Friday, 31 October 2014

#1235

What did the antivirus software developer say to the malware?

"Norton my watch!"

Thursday, 30 October 2014

#1234

Everyone at the theatre company was amped to meet the new sound engineer.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

#1233

The chef was deeply moved by the honour of representing her country, and provided a stirring rendition of the anthem.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

#1232

After losing his tongue, the animator was rendered speechless.

Monday, 27 October 2014

#1231

What did the soldier say when accused of having unoriginal shooting methods?

"Mimicry is the highest form of battery."

Sunday, 26 October 2014

#1230

The anarchist sous-chef was always trying to stir up trouble.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

#1229

A: I can't find any good recipes to use all these eggs and speck.

B: Maybe you should lower your egg-speck-tations.

Friday, 24 October 2014

#1228

A: The kangaroo keeps hitting its head on the roof of its new enclosure.

B: Well, that was bound to happen.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

#1227

What do junkie pastry chefs do in their spare time?

Get baked.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

#1226

The dog sat patiently under the sweet syrup, hoping that some would eventually treacle down to him.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

#1225

I wanted to make a pun about painting, but I'm afraid that those kinds of jokes don't come easelly to me.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Sunday, 19 October 2014

#1223

How did Sebastian the crab get satellite television reception?

He used an Ariel.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

#1222

The wafer factory faced its greatest challenge yet; truly, it was crunch time.

Friday, 17 October 2014

#1221

When placed under scrutiny, the self-loathing coffee maker couldn't stand his own ground.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

#1220

The other fundamental forces found gravity condescending; they didn't appreciate its top-down manner.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

#1218

A: Do you think I should get a dual-boot computer?

B: No way! That sounds like utter chaOS.

Monday, 13 October 2014

#1217

What happened to the computer programmer who developed a cough?

She became a hacker.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

#1216

What do you call the act of killing someone with fermented fruit juice?

Homi-cider.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

#1215

Where do seabirds invest their money?

In an alba-trust fund.

Friday, 10 October 2014

#1214

What Chinese-Greek crossover myth tells the story of the most beautiful long-legged bird in the world?

Heron of Troy.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

#1213

A: Do you think two people are more likely to date if they take the same classes?

B: Only if they have chemistry together.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

#1212

The unwitting statistician found the average without meaning to do so.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

#1211

On what machine do angry people exercise?

A cross trainer.

Monday, 6 October 2014

#1210

The priest had become adept at nearly all aspects of fishing; yet, he still refused to master bait.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

#1209

What do advertisers and electricians have in common?

They're both good at plugging things.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

#1208

The comedian always kept her appointments; she would never stand up a date.

Friday, 3 October 2014

#1207

The incompetent fisherman was even worse in finance - he struggled to keep a float.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

#1206

What is the favourite mathematical concept of dressmakers?

Tailor polynomials.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

#1205

What do you call it when rappers murder their close friends?

Homie-cide.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

#1204

What kind of dog is also a green vegetable?

A broc-collie.

Monday, 29 September 2014

#1203

Which country is responsible for most of the world's spam?

Botswana.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

#1202

A: I need you to find the screwdriver.

B: Is this it?

A: That's the ticket.

B: Oh. I thought it was a screwdriver. I'll keep looking.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Friday, 26 September 2014

#1200

The junior sergeant, frustrated at missing out on yet another promotion, rankled with rage.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

#1198

Where do ironers address the media?

At a press conference.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

#1197

What is the favourite dish of Greek mechanics?

Spanner-kopita.

Monday, 22 September 2014

#1196

What does a farmer use to wake up on time?

An alarm cock.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

#1195

Romanian universities are growing increasingly concerned about a prevalence of Vlad culture.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

#1194

After being bribed by dessert manufacturers, the nutritional values authority had a tendency to fudge their results.

Friday, 19 September 2014

#1193

After an argument, many couples like to reconcile by imagining minor religious denominations together. Some claim that fighting is worth it for the make-up-sects.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

#1192

The cinema manager's psychological issues revolved around her habit of projecting.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

#1191

The toymaker considered building some plush toys, but eventually decided that he couldn't be stuffed.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

#1190

What's the worst punishment for someone who hates card games?

Solitaire confinement.

Monday, 15 September 2014

#1189

Which rapper was famous for only showing off one third of his abs?

Tupac.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

#1188

What did the snake charmer say in Nicki Minaj's bakery?

"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns."

Saturday, 13 September 2014

#1187

The manicurist's accounts were organised in a meticulous filing system.

Friday, 12 September 2014

#1186

"I value your input."

Regina's partner had asked her to be more vocal during sex.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

#1185

The mildly famous army recruiter was an N-list celebrity.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

#1184

Katia had never intended to be a secret agent; her curious nature had simply spy-ralled out of control.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

#1183

"Do you think the blind guy was the murderer? I'm not certain of it, it's just a stab in the dark."

Monday, 8 September 2014

#1182

How do couples get back together after breaking up?

They re-pair their relationship.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

#1181

A: There's been a kidnapping in the land of Hyrule!

B: Oh no! We must find the missing Link!

Saturday, 6 September 2014

#1180

"Aha! We shall never need chickens again!"

Hillary had not quite grasped the concept of eggplants.

Friday, 5 September 2014

#1179

The necrophiliac was happy to eat the overcooked rejects from the pie shop; after all, she was used to having crusty things in her mouth.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

#1178

Applause was forbidden at the sexual health conference, for fear of spreading the clap.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

#1177

The anarchistic fence-builder railed against the system.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

#1176

The thrill-seeking painter enjoyed many a brush with danger.

Monday, 1 September 2014

#1175

What style of music is most popular among the homeless?

Ragtime.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

#1174

Teacher: Use the word profile in a sentence.

Student: Someone who is in favour of organising paperwork can be described as profile.

Saturday, 30 August 2014

#1173

What can be found at the start of a book about golf?

A foreword.

Friday, 29 August 2014

Thursday, 28 August 2014

#1171

Ironically, the rotational therapist was unable to convince the public of his merit without the help of a spin doctor.

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

#1169

Janet appreciated the new pulley system; it had really taken a load off her shoulders.

Monday, 25 August 2014

#1168

The butcher was proud of his produce, and always packaged it in elegant wooden boxes; some were suspicious when they saw him casing a joint.

Sunday, 24 August 2014

#1167

What do you call the process of filling an area with distinguished gentlemen?

Gent-rification.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

#1166

Seamstresses know a lot about threading; mainly because they know a lot about screwing.

Friday, 22 August 2014

#1165

What did the tennis player do at her legal trial?

Hold court.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

#1164

After calls to make the building accessible to wheelchairs fell on deaf ears, advocates ramped up their efforts.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

#1163

Corinne knew that wearing sandals would lead to wearing flip-flops; it was a slippery slope.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

#1162

"Leopard, not leper! I said I wanted a leopard skin dress!"

Monday, 18 August 2014

#1161

Which English city was named after its horseback undertakers?

Canterbury.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

#1160

When war arrived, Quasimodo proved to be quite bell-igerent.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

#1159

What do you call the due date for an assassination?

A deadline.

Friday, 15 August 2014

#1158

Despite positive responses from critics, 30 Rock was something of a ratings Fey-lure.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

#1157

Her phobia of doors persisted; she just couldn't handle them.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

#1156

I hate flashers. They think that they have the right to go around exposing themselves willy-nilly.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

#1155

Being upgraded from the last car of the train was a welcome ca-boost.

Monday, 11 August 2014

#1154

What's the difference between a pilot and a geometer?

A pilot flies planes; a geometer thinks planes are fly.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

#1153

The marine carnivore was ever diligent; it could never be accused of sharking its duty.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Friday, 8 August 2014

#1151

What do you call a bathroom break scheduled after the consumption of Asian food?

A Thai gap.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

#1149

He had led an easy life in the flatlands, and had grown accustomed to expecting everything handed to him on a plateau.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

#1148

What sound did the crashing plane make as it bounced?

Boeing

Monday, 4 August 2014

#1147

People who grow up in a gap between mountains live in constant need of valley-dation.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

#1146

What do you call an equine vet who manipulates the skeleton and muscles of their patients?

A horse-teopath.

Saturday, 2 August 2014

#1145

What do you call a metropolis full of daring people?

An auda-city.

Friday, 1 August 2014

#1144

The young sheep was a skillful chess player; at three months, it had already developed several opening lambits.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

#1143

The pop star's decision to shave her head was widely regarded as a bald move.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

#1141

In what direction does a hen move when running away from a rooster?

Anticockwise.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Sunday, 27 July 2014

#1139

What bone disease is most common in Vienna?

Austria-porosis.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

#1138

What do watchmakers do at the end of a working day?

Clock off.

Friday, 25 July 2014

#1137

A: Have you seen the news? A hundred people have been shipwrecked off the west coast of Africa!

B: Oh no! You mean they were Ca-marooned?

Thursday, 24 July 2014

#1136

What kind of bandages are most commonly used in Palestinian hospitals?

Gauze-a strips.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

#1135

How did the enthusiastic meteorologist describe the wind?

With great gusto.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

#1134

After her actors broke the fence a third time, the director felt the need to castigate them.

Monday, 21 July 2014

#1133

As the approaching crowd roughly gathered itself to a standstill, she became aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes sweeping over the whole scene, pausing in realisation, moving their focus to her, and boring in like the drills that had started this whole mess. She stepped backwards and her foot hit a pebble. As she clearly heard the tiny stone shifting less than an inch against the sand, she became aware of the silence, suddenly and frighteningly. She slowly turned her head and glanced behind her to see the clothes rack balanced on the edge of the precipice.

The author enjoyed concluding chapters with cliffhangers.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

#1132

What do you call a smashed bottle of wine?

Shard-onnay.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

#1131

What is the traditional motto of fishermen?

Carp-e diem

Friday, 18 July 2014

#1130

What type of fish run underwater hospitals?

General sturgeons.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

#1128

Installing the prank staircase made Elsha buoyantly merry; for the rest of the day, there was a spring in her step.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

#1127

A: Do you think the titanium will stay in place?

B: Of course. Otherwise it would be called loose-anium.

Monday, 14 July 2014

#1126

How can you tell when a computer is angry?

It's spitting chips.

Sunday, 13 July 2014

#1125

How does one grow a religion?

Through careful cult-ivation.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Friday, 11 July 2014

#1123

A: She's remarkably insightful.

B: Of course she is! She's pregnant.

A: What do you mean?

B: Many a truth spoken in gestation.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

#1122

What do you call someone who designs religious headwear?

A turban planner.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

#1121

What did the gangster rapper say when his rented copy of The Raven was due to be returned?

"Fuck the Poe-lease!"

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

#1120

Which armed wing of the Nazi Party consisted mainly of flat sweets?

The Waffle-SS.

Monday, 7 July 2014

#1119

Matilda passed her art history exam on Jackson Pollock with flying colours.

Sunday, 6 July 2014

#1118

The page three editor stared at the image of the model in her grandfather clock patterned bra.

"I said pendulous breasts! Not pendulums! Pendulous!"

Saturday, 5 July 2014

#1117

As the hearing impaired conference gathered, the US Armed Forces were on their highest alert ever. This was Deaf-Con 1.

Friday, 4 July 2014

Thursday, 3 July 2014

#1115

The radical feminists' meetings were largely disorganised, demonstrating the difficulties of an agendaless society.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

#1114

In winter, the brothel grounds were covered in hoarfrost.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

#1113

The castle architect disagreed with the proposed trench of water surrounding her design, and dismissed it as a moat point.

Monday, 30 June 2014

#1112

The mollusc pickers frequently worked in clammy weather.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

#1111

The Siberian phone network provider's office gave Olga a characteristically frosty reception.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

#1110

As the extraterrestrials floated away in their now tattered and heavily shelled pod, a voice could be heard:

"We come in peace, Zorblav! Not like peas! In peace!"

Friday, 27 June 2014

#1109

What kind of racism is directed towards Asians who have achieved inner peace?

Zenophobia.

Thursday, 26 June 2014

#1108

Hana was happy to stay in the supposedly haunted castle; to her, ghosts were immaterial.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

#1107

A: Looking at his diary, police found that he had been thinking about setting himself on fire for months.

B: Well, better self-immolate than never.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

#1106

He was ultimately rejected due to his incapacity to dress formally; in summary, the company thought him unsuitable.

Monday, 23 June 2014

#1105

The amateur filmmaker was kicked out of the bungee jumping club after one too many fatal jump cuts.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

#1104

What do you call ham that is cooking in an oven?

Bakin'.

Saturday, 21 June 2014

#1103

Sergeant Chisholm surveyed the carnage on the street. Clearly, the offender had misunderstood the meaning of "blood drive".

Thursday, 19 June 2014

#1101

Publishing expletives, even with letters replaced with symbols, is always an aste-risk.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

#1100

Once the animated gray tabby cat ventured into political subject matter, it became known for Pusheen the boundaries.

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

#1099

The Chinese conservationists were accused of excessively pandaring to animals.

Monday, 16 June 2014

#1098

The blocks made of four squares each spelled a tetrominous message.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

#1097

After the second oil spill, Mobil Corp could not be exxonerated.

Saturday, 14 June 2014

#1096

Guy squinted out at the paddock and frowned. The livestock thieves were really beginning to get his goat.

Friday, 13 June 2014

#1095

Although they constitute modern repertoire, Phillip's works typically require Glassical training.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

#1092

A: Have you ever thought about being a parent?

B: Yes, I want to have a daughter.

A: That's specific.

B: And call her Hope.

A: That's beautiful!

B: And make her immortal.

A: What?

B: And get her a pogo stick.

A: No no no no don't say-

B: Hope springs eternal!

Monday, 9 June 2014

#1091

Which ice cream flavour is most common among silverfish?

Manila.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

#1090

The logician maintained an ergo-nomic working environment.

Saturday, 7 June 2014

#1089

Once the first batch of towers to support electric cables fit easily onto the ship, the captain decided to pylon more.

Friday, 6 June 2014

#1088

What kind of swimming can be done while asleep?

Snore-kelling.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

#1087

"Are you sure you can sing today, Elsa? You sound really congested."

"I'll be fine. Having a cold never bothered me anyway."

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

#1086

Liam originally didn't want to be photographed nude, but he soon figured that he could use the exposure.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

#1085

The whole world is one great poem; that's why it's called the universe.

Monday, 2 June 2014

#1084

Even when crowds turned against him, Tiger Woods always knew that his mistresses were rooting for him.

Sunday, 1 June 2014

#1083

"He's not a real digital infiltrator; he's just a hack."

Saturday, 31 May 2014

#1082

After a long day on colander duty, Xiaoping felt drained.

Friday, 30 May 2014

#1081

Kingsley's dedication to his gym workouts was abmirable.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

#1080

I would make a joke about wild pork, but I wouldn't want to boar you.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

#1079

What piece of music is played when a social network closes down?

The Last Post.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

#1078

A: Did you get a good look at the mountain?

B: I only caught a quick peak.

Monday, 26 May 2014

#1077

The annoyed Christian made a gesture that is universally recognised as the sign of the cross.

Sunday, 25 May 2014

#1076

By what process are papers judged by myopic academics?

Peer review.

Saturday, 24 May 2014

#1075

Given that he was working in the mail room, it was hardly surprising that Brian had become the company's poster boy.

Friday, 23 May 2014

Thursday, 22 May 2014

#1073

What do you call slow-shutter footage of a watchmaker running around a track?

Time laps.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

#1072

Jamie tried to design a better bucket than his rival's creation, but all his efforts pailed in comparison.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Monday, 19 May 2014

#1070

What do you call a male escort who is paid to laugh?

A giggle-o.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

#1069

Tristan's party trick depended on the presence of fizz in the soda - now that it had sat out for so long, all his attempts fell flat.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

#1068

The new budget was thought to be unreasonable by all accounts.

Friday, 16 May 2014

#1067

What did Darth Vader say to the victims of his newest weapon?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Thursday, 15 May 2014

#1066

His courage boosted by the drink, he proceeded to make a spirited effort.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

#1065

Sinead's endurance training didn't help her in the sprints, but she knew that it would be worth it in the long run.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

#1064

Upon making his first sword, the apprentice blacksmith paused to sabre the moment.

Monday, 12 May 2014

#1063

Unable to fill the enclosure with their individual supplies of water, the friends decided to pool their resources.

Sunday, 11 May 2014

#1062

Learning about cassic acid is a most cathartic experience.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

#1061

For the journalist, the task of writing a full-length story was a novel challenge.

Friday, 9 May 2014

#1060

The LEGO designer was struggling. She had hit a creative block.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

#1058

What did Doge say upon encountering a labyrinth?

"Amaze."

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

#1057

A: Did the French people say bye?

B: No, they left without further adieu.

Monday, 5 May 2014

#1056

Pascal was overjoyed to be promoted to Corporal; he was no longer at risk of Legionnaire's disease.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

#1055

What do you call it when a mollusc takes a picture of itself?

A shellfie.

Saturday, 3 May 2014

#1054

What do you call a courageous parrot that is capable of bonding with many others?

Polly-valiant.

Friday, 2 May 2014

#1053

What is the ideal clothing to be worn while consuming hot beverages?

A tea-shirt.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

#1052

The furniture designers were proud of their progress. They had come sofa.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

#1051

What do market vendors do when they're reluctant to set up their shops?

Stall.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

#1050

Why is juvenile diabetes the easiest medical specialisation?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Monday, 28 April 2014

#1049

Which composer wrote music which attracts fish?

Bait-oven.

Sunday, 27 April 2014

#1048

What did the potato say to the other potato that was going on a voyage?

"Godspud."

Saturday, 26 April 2014

#1047

The label-making colleagues were renowned for their skill as a tag team.

Friday, 25 April 2014

#1046

A: I could kill for some chickpea dip.

B: I didn't know that you had hommus-cidal tendencies.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

#1045

In hindsight, everyone agreed that it had been an unwise decision to end the International Epileptics Conference with a fireworks display.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

#1044

After delving into the bucket of worms, finding them unsatisfactory, and leaping out again, the fisherman's cat watched proceedings with baited breath.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

#1043

As the laundry attendant and the pastry chef were dealt their cards, the crowd watched with bated breath, eager to see who would fold first.

Monday, 21 April 2014

#1042

Why do police officers make good percussionists?

Because they're always on the beat.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

#1041

What kind of psychic predicts the future from tropical trees?

A palm reader.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

#1040

Hyman the butcher had never heard of the expression, but nonetheless he couldn't comprehend why everyone seemed so unenthusiastic about tonight's "sausage party".

Friday, 18 April 2014

#1039

A: Do you always want a quilt at night during winter?

B: I'm afraid I can't answer that. I try to avoid blanket statements.

Thursday, 17 April 2014

#1038

As a beginner skier, Madison struggled with the steep learning curve.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

#1037

In desperate times, a stockbroker will hold down the Shift key in order to raise capital.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

#1036

It had been a long day for the alcoholic nymphomaniac. She was going to need a stiff one.

Monday, 14 April 2014

#1035

How did the asthmatic feel at the church service?

Incensed.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

#1034

Young architects often look at the design of grand cathedrals and a-spire to such greatness.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

#1033

A: I hate the way that magazines solve all beauty problems with "starve yourself".

B: Well, if you don't like the colour of your hair, it would probably help to diet.

Friday, 11 April 2014

#1032

My biological mother identified as a man. I admired his openness - he was always transparent.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

#1031

Where are French sweets traditionally burned?

On a bonbonfire.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

#1030

What do you call an adult female clay pigeon?

A bricklayer.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

#1029

The swipe card system functioned well at some times but failed at others; overall, it was touch and go.

Monday, 7 April 2014

#1028

Teacher: Use the word disable in a sentence.

Student: The slaves thought, dis-Abe'll set us free.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

#1027

Cain had had enough of his brother's Abelist privilege.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

#1026

"I hate fairies," said Marty.

He wasn't homophobic. He was just a very racist pixie.

Friday, 4 April 2014

#1025

What did Mr Miyagi say in the beauty salon?

"Wax on, wax off."

Thursday, 3 April 2014

#1024

The ancient religion, much like its adherents, could be destroyed by a blow to the temple.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

#1023

After negotiations failed, the florists resorted to violets.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

#1022

The head seamstress surveyed the trainee's work and sighed.

"If all you can make with a sewing machine is large rectangles of cloth, then I'm afraid it's curtains for you, my dear."

Monday, 31 March 2014

#1021

Which North American natural feature is said to cure erectile dysfunction?

Viagra Falls.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

#1020

The heating repair technician had nowhere to vent her frustration.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

#1019

The canine church had a meeting to discuss matters of dogma.

Friday, 28 March 2014

#1018

Which dance is traditionally performed on hot coals?

The char-char.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

#1017

Why did the impulsive person see a dermatologist?

To cure her of her rash decisions.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

#1016

At first, the turtle had been shy and reluctant, but over the last week it had really come out of its shell.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

#1015

If these walls could speak, they would have many storeys to tell.

Monday, 24 March 2014

#1014

Since becoming an acrobat, the actor had grown more and more uncomfortable with the regular exhortation to break a leg.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

#1013

The hospital was painted with runes to ward off evil spirits.

Saturday, 22 March 2014

#1012

The displaced soccer club's request to host a game was dismissed on the basis that they had no grounds for their claim.

Friday, 21 March 2014

#1011

A: I was just typing when I suddenly lost all sensation in my fingers. Do you know what's happening?

B: Yes, that would be the Numb Lock.

Thursday, 20 March 2014

#1010

What did Admiral Ackbar cry when he saw the canvas sheet?

"It's a tarp!"