Wednesday, 30 April 2014


What do market vendors do when they're reluctant to set up their shops?


Tuesday, 29 April 2014


Why is juvenile diabetes the easiest medical specialisation?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Monday, 28 April 2014


Which composer wrote music which attracts fish?


Sunday, 27 April 2014


What did the potato say to the other potato that was going on a voyage?


Saturday, 26 April 2014


The label-making colleagues were renowned for their skill as a tag team.

Friday, 25 April 2014


A: I could kill for some chickpea dip.

B: I didn't know that you had hommus-cidal tendencies.

Thursday, 24 April 2014


In hindsight, everyone agreed that it had been an unwise decision to end the International Epileptics Conference with a fireworks display.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014


After delving into the bucket of worms, finding them unsatisfactory, and leaping out again, the fisherman's cat watched proceedings with baited breath.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014


As the laundry attendant and the pastry chef were dealt their cards, the crowd watched with bated breath, eager to see who would fold first.

Monday, 21 April 2014


Why do police officers make good percussionists?

Because they're always on the beat.

Sunday, 20 April 2014


What kind of psychic predicts the future from tropical trees?

A palm reader.

Saturday, 19 April 2014


Hyman the butcher had never heard of the expression, but nonetheless he couldn't comprehend why everyone seemed so unenthusiastic about tonight's "sausage party".

Friday, 18 April 2014


A: Do you always want a quilt at night during winter?

B: I'm afraid I can't answer that. I try to avoid blanket statements.

Thursday, 17 April 2014


As a beginner skier, Madison struggled with the steep learning curve.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014


In desperate times, a stockbroker will hold down the Shift key in order to raise capital.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014


It had been a long day for the alcoholic nymphomaniac. She was going to need a stiff one.

Monday, 14 April 2014


How did the asthmatic feel at the church service?


Sunday, 13 April 2014


Young architects often look at the design of grand cathedrals and a-spire to such greatness.

Saturday, 12 April 2014


A: I hate the way that magazines solve all beauty problems with "starve yourself".

B: Well, if you don't like the colour of your hair, it would probably help to diet.

Friday, 11 April 2014


My biological mother identified as a man. I admired his openness - he was always transparent.

Thursday, 10 April 2014


Where are French sweets traditionally burned?

On a bonbonfire.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014


What do you call an adult female clay pigeon?

A bricklayer.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014


The swipe card system functioned well at some times but failed at others; overall, it was touch and go.

Monday, 7 April 2014


Teacher: Use the word disable in a sentence.

Student: The slaves thought, dis-Abe'll set us free.

Sunday, 6 April 2014


Cain had had enough of his brother's Abelist privilege.

Saturday, 5 April 2014


"I hate fairies," said Marty.

He wasn't homophobic. He was just a very racist pixie.

Friday, 4 April 2014


What did Mr Miyagi say in the beauty salon?

"Wax on, wax off."

Thursday, 3 April 2014


The ancient religion, much like its adherents, could be destroyed by a blow to the temple.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014


After negotiations failed, the florists resorted to violets.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014


The head seamstress surveyed the trainee's work and sighed.

"If all you can make with a sewing machine is large rectangles of cloth, then I'm afraid it's curtains for you, my dear."