Wednesday, 31 December 2014

#1296

Why is it fun to go adventures with kitchen burglars?

You know that they're whisk takers.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

#1295

Glenys's "original" cake recipes were in fact stolen; she was secretly sponging off the work of others.

Monday, 29 December 2014

#1294

Normally, Declan wouldn't have complained about the head of a school, but this time he felt that it was a matter of principal.

Sunday, 28 December 2014

#1293

A: How did she go on her final tests at the tennis academy?

B: She aced them.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

#1292

What do you call the list of items on the syllabus of an Indian cookery school?

The curry-culum.

Friday, 26 December 2014

#1291

A: Is that high quality crayfish?

B: Naw, that shit cray.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

#1290

A: Whenever I see a Nativity scene, I can't help but wonder what the angels are doing.

B: Just chilling in the crib, I suppose.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

#1289

Why did the company sponsor elite tennis players?

They were guaranteed of strong returns.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

#1288

After his service game failed, Bernard was a broken man.

Monday, 22 December 2014

#1287

Working as an assistant to the clumsy milliner, Tess had to be ready to tidy up at the drop of a hat.

Sunday, 21 December 2014

#1286

A: How much does a typical amputation cost?

B: An arm and a leg.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

#1285

The warden didn't appreciate the prisoners complaining about their food at his annual review; it would only add gruel to the fire.

Friday, 19 December 2014

#1284

Why did the wildcat have to continue with basketball even though he wanted to play tennis?

Because a leopard can't change his sports.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

#1283

What do you call the period of heavy traffic that occurs when a large number of clients need to visit their gynaecologists?

Thrush hour.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

#1282

When does traffic become irritating?

During pique hour.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

#1281

Why did the parish hire a forger in response to the rival church's festival?

To produce a counterfĂȘte.

Monday, 15 December 2014

#1280

The gangster mechanic did most of his work in the hood.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

#1279

A: Do you think we'll be late?

B: Not on my watch!

[A moment of silence.]

B: Because we'll check the time. On my wa-

A: I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CLOCK.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

#1278

Lisa the tattooist dreamed of being a famous author; one day, she hoped to write a navel.

Friday, 12 December 2014

#1277

What do you call a story about guns composed of letters exchanged between the characters?

A pistolary novel.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

#1276

"My dear Archimedes, you must stop running naked through the streets. Every time you discover something, Eureka lot of mayhem."

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

#1275

Christine didn't think too much about money; she spent it very cash-ually.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

#1274

What did the tiger police officer say to the tipsy Bengal?

"You must be saber to drive."

Monday, 8 December 2014

#1273

What did the religious cheesemaker say when things got out of control?

"Jesus, take the wheel."

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Saturday, 6 December 2014

#1271

What do you call the sadness experienced when a cantaloupe goes rotten?

Melon-coli.

Friday, 5 December 2014

#1270

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the illegal substances before him, then at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention next to the piles of leaves and beaming proudly. The sergeant sighed.

"I said I wanted potted plants for my office, Jackson. Not pot plants. Potted plants."

Thursday, 4 December 2014

#1269

How do Spanish tennis associations raise money?

They hold a Rafa.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

#1268

Teacher: Use the word detention in a sentence.

Student: When I feel stressed about the possibility that you might give me a bad grade, that's D-tension.

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

#1267

When do Australians make friends?

During the mating season.

Monday, 1 December 2014

#1266

Estonian artists are internationally considered to be quite Tallinnted.