Thursday 31 December 2015

#1661

Hollywood actors go to eternal damnation via the house of Ms Klum - you can see them passing through the gates of Heidi's.

Wednesday 30 December 2015

#1660

The male sheep dormitories were often unruly; today, the farmer noted that they were particularly ram-bunk-tious.

Tuesday 29 December 2015

#1659

What kind of decorative sheet is known for its use in hip hop?

Rapping paper.

Monday 28 December 2015

Sunday 27 December 2015

Saturday 26 December 2015

#1656

What did the priest say when the members of the secret sect received their final sacrament of Catholic initiation?

"Illuminati confirmed."

Friday 25 December 2015

#1655

The birth of Jesus went smoothly, with both mother and child in a stable condition.

Thursday 24 December 2015

#1654

What is the culinary opposite of a baguette?

Shortbread.

Wednesday 23 December 2015

#1653

How would you describe a significant piece for a church choir?

Hymn-portant.

Tuesday 22 December 2015

#1652

How can you tell if a drunk crowd doesn't like you?

You can hear their booze.

Monday 21 December 2015

#1651

What is used to stop drinks from leaving stains on tables at beachside bars?

Coasters.

Sunday 20 December 2015

#1650

What do you call it when a checkered sponge cake is squashed?

Flattenberg cake.

Saturday 19 December 2015

#1649

What did the Jedi say to the plumber on her first day?

"May the faucet be with you."

Friday 18 December 2015

Thursday 17 December 2015

Wednesday 16 December 2015

#1646

A: I love those guys! They always bring such light to the room.

B: That's not that impressive.

A: What do you mean?

B: I think it takes a lot more effort to bring heavy.

Tuesday 15 December 2015

#1645

What symbolic gesture did the Greek slaves make when reclaiming their freedom?

They threw off their fetas.

Monday 14 December 2015

#1644

What did 18th century peasants use as napkins?

Serf-iettes.

Sunday 13 December 2015

#1643

What form of energy is the most democratic?

Elect-ricity.

Saturday 12 December 2015

#1642

What kind of lung disease is caused by eating too many root vegetables?

Tuberculosis.

Friday 11 December 2015

#1641

Why did Zeus hate show-off minor deities?

They were always trying to steal his thunder.

Thursday 10 December 2015

#1640

What do you call a German Christmas bread which you took without paying?

Stolen (Give-it-bäck).

Wednesday 9 December 2015

#1639

What was the prisoner with an Oedipal complex served while in prison?

Freudian slop.

Tuesday 8 December 2015

#1638

How did the group of black lovers tell their parrot that they wanted to add a white member?

"Poly want a cracker."

Monday 7 December 2015

Sunday 6 December 2015

#1636

Which structure in train stations consists of interwoven waiting areas?

A plait-form.

Saturday 5 December 2015

#1635

What song did Green Day write about an unrepeatable encounter with a stopwatch?

Timer of Your Life

#1634

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer took a day off to work to be wise about stomach exercises.

A: What do you mean?

B: I just explained his ab-sense.

Thursday 3 December 2015

#1633

As he looked around the orchard one last time, Zorro knew that he would cherry-sh these memories forever.

Wednesday 2 December 2015

#1632

What do the British lower classes use to moisturise their lips?

Chavsticks.

Tuesday 1 December 2015

#1631

What do you call the study of electronic plant substitutes?

Robotany.

Monday 30 November 2015

Sunday 29 November 2015

#1629

What sound do pirates' stomachs make when they want liquor?

Rum-bling.

Saturday 28 November 2015

#1628

Where in an airport can you check how old a suitcase is?

The bag-age area.

Friday 27 November 2015

#1627

What holiday do American military vehicle manufacturers celebrate in November?

Tanks-giving.

Thursday 26 November 2015

#1626

What did the poetry prostitute say to the potential client?

"Looking for a good rhyme?"

Wednesday 25 November 2015

#1625

What should you say to an incompetent dog breeder?

"Step pup your game."

Tuesday 24 November 2015

#1624

What happened to the priest who had his beard trimmed in the church tower?

He was shaved by the bell.

Monday 23 November 2015

#1623

A: Can you carry my bag?

B: I can't believe you would satchel me with this burden.

Sunday 22 November 2015

#1622

What did the king say about the reliable nobleman who was lower than a duke but higher than a baron?

"You can Count on him."

Saturday 21 November 2015

#1621

What do you call the wife of a Duke in the Netherlands?

A Dutchess.

Friday 20 November 2015

#1620

After looking over her footnotes, Emeline realised that the quote she had searched for was hiding in plain citation.

Thursday 19 November 2015

#1619

Where is the worst place in Germany to wake up after a night of heavy drinking?

Hanover.

Wednesday 18 November 2015

#1618

What television series tells the story of a woman who memorises homicide case files?

Murder, She Rote.

Tuesday 17 November 2015

#1617

Why couldn't Hayley do squats?

She was glute intolerant.

Monday 16 November 2015

#1616

Which Tennyson poem recounts an attack conducted by a troop of bantamweights?

The charge of the light brigade.

Sunday 15 November 2015

#1615

The operator of the public humiliation device was known for being a pillory of the community.

Saturday 14 November 2015

#1614

The innovative stoner, the first to smoke a mixture of dried fruit and nuts, was widely regarded as a trail blazer.

Friday 13 November 2015

Thursday 12 November 2015

#1612

Officer Brace tossed and turn in a fitful rest, plagued by recurring visions of her indecent exposure arrest. She woke up, sweating. She was going to have to find a way to stop these flashbacks.

Wednesday 11 November 2015

Tuesday 10 November 2015

#1610

What do you call a dream-like blurring of reality and imagination caused by a soft drink?

A Fanta-smagoric experience.

Monday 9 November 2015

#1609

What do you call false prices in a tavern?

Inn accurate.

Sunday 8 November 2015

#1608

What feature most commonly makes a woodchopper pretty?

Lumberous eyes.

Saturday 7 November 2015

#1607

What do you call the leader of a military sniffer dog squad?

A scent-urion.

Friday 6 November 2015

#1606

What do you call a padded bag used for defensive rugby training?

A recep-tackle.

Thursday 5 November 2015

#1605

After commencing the nutrition program for chest muscles, Andy had great eggs-pec-tations.

Wednesday 4 November 2015

#1604

What do you call it when a person must choose one of two cliffs off which to jump?

A di-lemming.

Tuesday 3 November 2015

Monday 2 November 2015

#1602

After it proved impossible to move directly above the air ducts, Richie decided to circumvent them.

Sunday 1 November 2015

#1601

What did the priest say when asked if he could abandon his congregation?

"Parish the thought!"

Saturday 31 October 2015

#1600

What do you call the process of slowly savouring a sauce?

Relishing.

Friday 30 October 2015

#1599

What do you call a lot of people going to confession?

A sinflux.

Thursday 29 October 2015

#1598

What kind of stick does an old sugar daddy use to walk?

A cane.

Wednesday 28 October 2015

#1597

What do you call a forceful declaration about white blood cells?

A lymphatic statement.

Tuesday 27 October 2015

#1596

What do you call the state of being worried about one's printing supplies?

Ink-quietude.

Monday 26 October 2015

#1595

Teacher: Define chamber music.

Student: Chamber music is when you play from the heart.

Sunday 25 October 2015

#1594

What do you call people who have lost their eyesight on Italian canals?

Venetian blinds.

Saturday 24 October 2015

#1593

What do you call someone who was born into wealth?

Luck-xurious.

Friday 23 October 2015

#1592

Proponents of a ban on burkas have been accused of slit-shaming.

Thursday 22 October 2015

#1591

Cordelia was always very careful about the ropes on her ship; some would say that she was excessively rig-ourous.

Wednesday 21 October 2015

#1590

Which musical genre is best known for its associated facial hairstyles?

Mo-town.

Tuesday 20 October 2015

#1589

Upon escaping from the pirate's clutches, Linn happily realised that she was off the hook.

Monday 19 October 2015

#1588

The police in Singapore are known for their strict enforcement of littering laws; they will fine someone at the drop of a hat.

Sunday 18 October 2015

#1587

A: My credit card says I've purchased a bunch of livestock! What do I do?

B: For starters, don't have a cow.

Saturday 17 October 2015

#1586

The society of Youtubers against Food Wastage asked people not to subscribe to How To Basic - as this would only egg him on further.

Friday 16 October 2015

#1585

The engineers had designed the train to move especially fast; it was their express purpose.

Thursday 15 October 2015

#1584

How do strippers judge their popularity?

Based on their performance on the poles.

Wednesday 14 October 2015

#1583

The faulty door was driving the carpenters crazy; they were starting to become unhinged.

Tuesday 13 October 2015

#1582

To bond with someone, change trains with them; it's a great way to make a connection.

Monday 12 October 2015

#1581

Which boy band was named after the inability of its members to reverse a car?

One Direction.

Sunday 11 October 2015

#1580

The potato storeroom had been burgled in a mash and grab attack.

Saturday 10 October 2015

#1579

All thieves of baked goods were terrible, reflected the detective, but this one really took the biscuit.

Friday 9 October 2015

#1578

After her fetish for concealing felines in sacks became too suspicious, Brigitte decided to let the cat out of the bag.

Thursday 8 October 2015

#1577

A: How was the rocket launch?

B: Great! We had a blast.

Wednesday 7 October 2015

#1576

A: Oh no! I forgot to bring her coat!

B: No wonder she's been giving you the cold shoulder.

Tuesday 6 October 2015

#1575

After struggling to name the period during which the sun is visible, the astronomers decided to call it a day.

Monday 5 October 2015

#1574

The mystery of the missing clothes hampers was ruining the detective; these unsolved thefts were turning her into a basket case.

Sunday 4 October 2015

#1573

As the organiser of the judges' dance, Kayna felt distinctly uncomfortable that had not been able to afford an external venue; she was unsure how to proceed now that the ball was in her court.

Saturday 3 October 2015

Friday 2 October 2015

#1571

What song of peace is favoured by hairdressers?

Combaya.

Thursday 1 October 2015

Wednesday 30 September 2015

#1569

What do you call a cat's journey to find formal garments?

A purr-suit.

Tuesday 29 September 2015

#1568

What was the athletics coach's favourite photography technique?

Time laps.

Monday 28 September 2015

#1567

What do you call a confusingly structured science workplace?

A lab-yrinth.

Sunday 27 September 2015

#1566

The first sex robots were very difficult to use; it was far too easy to blow a fuse.

Saturday 26 September 2015

#1565

How did Dylan Thomas cut his date's lip?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

Friday 25 September 2015

#1564

Years of working in the traffic centre of an airport had made it very hard for Eloise to maintain a relationship - all her partners complained that she was too controlling.

Thursday 24 September 2015

#1563

Why did the auditor hate inspecting the nail salon?

They had the most complicated filing system.

Wednesday 23 September 2015

#1562

After the first engineer's arms were chopped off by the malfunctioning device, none of the others were willing to try their hand.

Tuesday 22 September 2015

#1561

How did Dylan Thomas stub his toe in the garden?

He did not go gentle into that good night.

Monday 21 September 2015

#1560

Why did the computer programmers want to make sure that there were no elephants on the internet?

They would squash it.

Sunday 20 September 2015

#1559

What do you call secret tribal rituals?

Clan-destine activies.

Saturday 19 September 2015

#1558

Why did the general enter his soldiers into a car race?

To rally the troops.

Friday 18 September 2015

#1557

A: Do you always read the whole newspaper?

B: No, just whatever artickles my fancy.

Thursday 17 September 2015

#1556

Why did the fashion designer refuse to wear ripped jeans indoors?

Because they were meant to be worn out.

Wednesday 16 September 2015

#1555

Upon arriving in the colony of blind people, the bodybuilder realised that here, his physique was absolete.

Tuesday 15 September 2015

#1554

How would eating pork lead to peace in the Middle East?

It would allow all factions to find salaam-i.

Monday 14 September 2015

#1553

Which friend of Winnie the Pooh sacrificed his life for his acting career?

Piglet, for the role of Hamlet.

Sunday 13 September 2015

#1552

What do you call it when a lot of people have been slain?

A slew.

Saturday 12 September 2015

Friday 11 September 2015

#1550

What do you call a plant that reproduces inconsistently?

Spore-adic.

Thursday 10 September 2015

#1549

Where can couples who can't decide which way to vote meet other indecisive strangers for sex?

A swingers club.

#1548

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: Yesterday was Wednesday.

A: So?

B: I decided to honour the original meaning of the day.

A: How?

B: Yesterday, all the readers were asking themselves, "When's today's post arriving?" Thus: When's-day.

A: Once again, did you break the blog schedule just to make that -

B: Yes.

Tuesday 8 September 2015

#1547

Otto didn't like being criticised for his habitual tardiness; he preferred to think of it as a latemotif.

Monday 7 September 2015

#1546

Bakers are often sardonic; they're known for their rye sense of humour.

Sunday 6 September 2015

#1545

What do you call it when an anarchist has diarrhoea?

Dissentery.

Saturday 5 September 2015

#1544

Clara couldn't resist purchasing socks, but her husband Robert was more of a shoe man.

Friday 4 September 2015

#1543

After the disgraced cyclist developed a large boil, the doctors had to lance Armstrong.

Thursday 3 September 2015

#1542

Why can't anyone remember wearing tight bras?

Because they're repressed mammaries.

Wednesday 2 September 2015

#1541

After deciding to enter publishing as well as fashion, the company was renamed "Abercrombie and Fiction".

Tuesday 1 September 2015

#1540

A: Where did you get the money to pay for a gardener?

B: From my hedge fund.

Monday 31 August 2015

#1539

Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

Sunday 30 August 2015

#1538

A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

Saturday 29 August 2015

#1537

A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

Friday 28 August 2015

#1536

A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

Thursday 27 August 2015

#1535

What is a bird's favourite part of programming?

Nesting.

Wednesday 26 August 2015

#1534

The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

Tuesday 25 August 2015

#1533

After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

Monday 24 August 2015

#1532

What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

Sunday 23 August 2015

#1531

Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

Saturday 22 August 2015

#1530

What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

Friday 21 August 2015

#1529

What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?

Larduous.

Thursday 20 August 2015

#1528

What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

Wednesday 19 August 2015

#1527

When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

Tuesday 18 August 2015

#1526

Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

Monday 17 August 2015

#1525

In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

Sunday 16 August 2015

#1524

How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

Saturday 15 August 2015

#1523

After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

Friday 14 August 2015

#1522

How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

Thursday 13 August 2015

#1521

Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

Wednesday 12 August 2015

#1520

Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

Tuesday 11 August 2015

#1519

The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

Monday 10 August 2015

#1518

Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

Sunday 9 August 2015

#1517

Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

Saturday 8 August 2015

#1516

As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

Friday 7 August 2015

#1515

What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

Thursday 6 August 2015

#1514

A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

Wednesday 5 August 2015

#1513

The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

Tuesday 4 August 2015

#1512

The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

Monday 3 August 2015

#1511

What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

Sunday 2 August 2015

#1510

What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

Saturday 1 August 2015

#1509

What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.

Friday 31 July 2015

Thursday 30 July 2015

#1507

What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

Wednesday 29 July 2015

#1506

What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?

Error-dite.

Tuesday 28 July 2015

#1505

Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

Monday 27 July 2015

#1504

What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?

Savoir-fair.

Sunday 26 July 2015

#1503

The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

Saturday 25 July 2015

#1502

A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

Friday 24 July 2015

Thursday 23 July 2015

#1500

After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

Wednesday 22 July 2015

#1499

What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

Tuesday 21 July 2015

Monday 20 July 2015

#1497

What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

Sunday 19 July 2015

#1496

Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

Saturday 18 July 2015

#1495

What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

Friday 17 July 2015

#1494

A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

Thursday 16 July 2015

#1493

A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

Wednesday 15 July 2015

#1492

A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

Tuesday 14 July 2015

#1491

A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Monday 13 July 2015

#1490

The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.

Sunday 12 July 2015

#1489

A: Why don't you like the recessed area on the side of the room?

B: I find it alcoverrated.

Saturday 11 July 2015

#1488

Why are diseased prostitutes highly sought for the emergency services?

They know how to put out a fire.

Friday 10 July 2015

#1487

What business deals with self-driven mechanics?

The automotive industry.

Thursday 9 July 2015

#1486

A: You gave your word to how many people?

B: I'm sorry, I can't help being promise-cuous.

Wednesday 8 July 2015

Tuesday 7 July 2015

#1484

The explorers' fears paled in comparison to the plight of the albinos.

Monday 6 July 2015

#1483

After years spent investigating the sculpture heist, the detectives finally made a bust.

Sunday 5 July 2015

#1482

A: The old guy she's dating owns a confectionery shop.

B: I suppose he must be a sugar daddy.

Saturday 4 July 2015

#1481

A: It's so hard to talk to my publican. He's gruff and rude and not a good listener.

B: Perhaps you need to find someone who's a little more bar-tender.

Friday 3 July 2015

#1480

After a relaxing holiday, it was time for the coffee maker to return to the daily grind.

Thursday 2 July 2015

#1479

What happened to the chicken when it stopped producing eggs?

It got laid off.

Wednesday 1 July 2015

#1478

With what words do prostitutes greet clients?

"Welcome to my humble a-bod."

(At least I hope they do. I would do this if I were one.)

Tuesday 30 June 2015

#1477

The secret to Anais's longevity as a furniture maker was her deep-seated belief in the quality of her sofas.

Monday 29 June 2015

#1476

Why was the spider embarrassed when its web fell apart?

It fly had come undone.

Sunday 28 June 2015

#1475

How did Ancient Egyptians navigate through documents?

By scrolling.

Saturday 27 June 2015

#1474

What do you call an egg-filled bread bun?

An embryoche.

Friday 26 June 2015

#1473

The fly, unfortunately for itself, alighted on a combustible substance.

Thursday 25 June 2015

#1472

Olivia believed that getting her name onto one voting list would lead to many others; she felt that she was on a roll.

Wednesday 24 June 2015

Tuesday 23 June 2015

#1470

A: They decided to hire an exorcist.

B: What could possibly have possessed them to do that?

Monday 22 June 2015

#1469

Rui was disappointed to find out that cocaine was not all it was cracked up to be.

Sunday 21 June 2015

#1468

Why did the apple go to the gym?

To build its core strength.

Saturday 20 June 2015

#1467

Why does the Queen only play poker on the toilet?

Because she's always guaranteed of a Royal Flush.

Friday 19 June 2015

#1466

When the escape artist decided that she wanted to release a DVD of herself being fastened to the ceiling; she knew that she had to organise a live taping.

Thursday 18 June 2015

#1465

A: Why did you tell him to take up smoking?

B: He asked me for add-vice.

Wednesday 17 June 2015

Tuesday 16 June 2015

#1463

After trying it a first time, the new blood donor decided to carry on in the same vein.

Monday 15 June 2015

#1462

A: Oh no! This man had most of his body chopped off in the accident! He will never be whole again!

B: Well, he certainly looks the part.

Sunday 14 June 2015

#1461

The crime historian merely wanted to write the wrongs of the past.

Saturday 13 June 2015

#1460

Clare the theatre director, nursing a broken arm, was struggling to adjust the rehearsal schedule; for the hundredth time, she cursed her inflexible cast.

Friday 12 June 2015

#1459

A: Do you believe the story about Jesus and the fruit tree?

B: No, I think it's entirely fig-titious.

Thursday 11 June 2015

#1458

The pinboard monitor believed that the best form of defense was a good tack.

Wednesday 10 June 2015

#1457

How can you tell that a printing press has never been used?

Its hyphen is intact.

Tuesday 9 June 2015

#1456

Leaving a relationship can be a painful process of ex-traction.

Monday 8 June 2015

#1455

After observing the holes clearly cut into the pile of papers, Yannick had to concede that the device did indeed pack a punch.

Sunday 7 June 2015

#1454

A: I have so much weaving to do! I won't be free for ages.

B: Cheer up, I'm sure it won't be all doom and loom.

Saturday 6 June 2015

#1453

Venus Williams was known for being a calm child, but her sister was serener.

Friday 5 June 2015

#1452

What do you call an organisation bookkeepers wearing suspenders?

Gartered accountants.

Thursday 4 June 2015

#1451

What do people say when they realise, for the first time, that they are not white?

"Well, colour me surprised!"

Wednesday 3 June 2015

#1450

The gay man rolled out of bed and picked up his phone to check his matches - it was time for the daily grindr.

Tuesday 2 June 2015

#1449

The statisticians called for a pause to calculate the averages. Meanwhile...

Monday 1 June 2015

#1448

A: Why did you interrupt everyone with your twerking?

B: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to butt in.

Sunday 31 May 2015

#1447

What do you call someone printing in a hurry?

Hard pressed.

Saturday 30 May 2015

#1446

What is the name for the mapping of underground surfaces?

Bottom-ology.

Friday 29 May 2015

#1445

What kind of organisation predicts future couples?

A shipping company.

Thursday 28 May 2015

#1444

What is the name for the study of the mentality behind Gangnam Style?

Psy-chology.

Wednesday 27 May 2015

#1443

What is the most specific kind of sports bra?

A push-up bra.

Tuesday 26 May 2015

#1442

What is the name of the process by which a demon prepares a human for entry?

Prepossession.

Monday 25 May 2015

#1441

What kind of dog enjoys touring the world?

A jet setter.

Sunday 24 May 2015

#1440

What happens to old Egyptians as the float down the river towards the ocean?

They become sea-Nile.

Saturday 23 May 2015

#1439

How can you tell that an electron is feeling energetic?

It comes out of its shell.

Friday 22 May 2015

#1438

What do you call a group of gangsters who can be identified by their necklaces?

A chain gang.

Thursday 21 May 2015

#1437

What do you call a vampire who raises the dead in order to seduce them?

A neck-romancer.

Wednesday 20 May 2015

#1436

What did the student say while submitting an essay?

"Mark my words."

Tuesday 19 May 2015

#1435

A: Lately, every time my children speak, they say a group of words without any verbs!

B: Don't worry. I'm sure it's just a phrase.

Monday 18 May 2015

#1434

How did the wall celebrate its birthday?

By getting plastered.

Sunday 17 May 2015

#1433

"This isn't a real celebration of supermarket cashier's desks! This is just a counter-fête!"

Saturday 16 May 2015

#1432

What kind of magical creature is known for not caring about justice?

An unfairy.

Friday 15 May 2015

#1431

The candlemaker sighed; these customers were beginning to get on his wick.

Thursday 14 May 2015

#1430

Teacher: Use the word fervent in a sentence.

Student: An opening to gather a cat's hair is called a fur-vent.

Wednesday 13 May 2015

#1429

Which piece of smartphone software measures the power usage of the device?

WattsApp.

Tuesday 12 May 2015

#1428

A: Why do you always disagree with my fruit choices?

B: I enjoy playing the devil's avocado.

Monday 11 May 2015

#1427

The stationery innovator was always trying to push the envelope.

Sunday 10 May 2015

#1426

What do you call the pain caused by an excessively heavy backpack?

Bagony.

Saturday 9 May 2015

#1425

What did the enthusiastic business owner say about her preference for solitude?

"I enjoy my own company."

Friday 8 May 2015

#1424

What do you call a brief video about trimming nails?

A clip.

Thursday 7 May 2015

Wednesday 6 May 2015

#1422

What happened when the satyromaniac cowboy fell sick?

He was bedridden.

Tuesday 5 May 2015

#1421

A: What do you mean, it used to be a flying vehicle?

B: I'm sorry, I can't ex-plane.

Monday 4 May 2015

#1420

What was used to construct a sling when the French sculptor fractured her arm?

Plaster of Paris.

Sunday 3 May 2015

#1419

How did the city dweller apologise for his grumpiness in the country side?

"Sorry to be such a towner."

Saturday 2 May 2015

#1418

The former beekeeper recalled to this day the day that her hive abandoned her; she could still feel the sting of rejection.

Friday 1 May 2015

#1417

What did the undertaker say about the necrophiliacs?

"They want the D-ceased."

Thursday 30 April 2015

#1416

Are you a Catholic and do you want the body of your dreams? For only three payments of 19.99 and telling all your sins to a priest, you can have the torso you've to which you've always aspired! Presenting the brand new AbSolution.

Wednesday 29 April 2015

#1415

Benedict the gardener only used spades very solemnly; he believed that this would preserve his dig-nity.

Tuesday 28 April 2015

#1414

Teacher: Use the word likewise in a sentence.

Student: Most old people are totally, like, wise.

Monday 27 April 2015

#1413

A: Why is there a trampoline under my car?

B: You said you needed a jump start.

Sunday 26 April 2015

#1412

What do you call buoyant blocks of wood that are used to support rooftops?

Rafters.

Saturday 25 April 2015

#1411

Magdalena had never had a problem with spoiled children, but since becoming a cannibal, she found them disgusting.

Friday 24 April 2015

#1410

What do you call the captain of a frolicking team?

The skipper.

Thursday 23 April 2015

#1409

The prince sprinted out of the ballroom to find that she was gone. All that remained was a glass shoe. Gradually, he realised that Cinderella had given him the slipper.

Wednesday 22 April 2015

#1408

What do you call a program on a Macintosh computer?

An apple-ication.

Tuesday 21 April 2015

#1407

The art heist was a success; all the sculptures had disappeared without a Samo-trace.

Monday 20 April 2015

#1406

What do you call the being who is sad to collect the souls of the dead?

The Grim Weeper.

Sunday 19 April 2015

#1405

A: Why were you passed out on top of the house?

B: I think I was roofied.

Saturday 18 April 2015

#1404

After noticing that everyone she had interviewed had seemed angry, Natasha reflected that she might have chosen a particularly cross section of the population.

Friday 17 April 2015

#1403

Which dogs are the best at learning lewd songs?

Bawdy collies.

Thursday 16 April 2015

Wednesday 15 April 2015

#1401

Nancy loved it when customers only wanted parts of their hair coloured; it was the highlight of her day.

Tuesday 14 April 2015

#1400

Years spent watching television had prepared Keith poorly for the tedious journey from France to England; no matter how bored he became, he could not change the Channel.

Monday 13 April 2015

#1399

A: Do you think it's safe to leave this untied?

B: I think knot.

Sunday 12 April 2015

#1398

Learning to turn handles despite arthritis can open many doors late in life.

Saturday 11 April 2015

#1397

A: You don't like you're dancing. You look like you're attempting a painful walk over broken glass.

B: I've got the moves like jagged!

Friday 10 April 2015

#1396

The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

Thursday 9 April 2015

#1395

"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

Wednesday 8 April 2015

#1394

A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

Tuesday 7 April 2015

#1393

Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

Monday 6 April 2015

#1392

How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

Sunday 5 April 2015

#1391

At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

Saturday 4 April 2015

#1390

Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?

Cordial.

Friday 3 April 2015

#1389

What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?

Alle-gory-cal.

Thursday 2 April 2015

#1388

The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

Wednesday 1 April 2015

#1387

What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.

Tuesday 31 March 2015

#1386

After rumours of a rebellion reached the capital, the dictator's council advised him to reign in his tyranny.

Monday 30 March 2015

#1385

From what book do cowboys take religious instruction?

Giddy-on's Bible.

Sunday 29 March 2015

#1384

What did the hairdresser say to the chicken vendor?

"It's not about the nugget, it's about the lice."

Saturday 28 March 2015

#1383

Awareness of the irony of the situation prevented the torture exhibition's staff from stopping ticket scalpers.

Friday 27 March 2015

#1382

After compiling a montage of her different roles, Tereza began to reel in film roles.

Thursday 26 March 2015

#1381

"After all, your Honour, it's called the e-con-omy. I rest my case."

Eros's career as a defense attorney for fraudsters was short-lived.

Wednesday 25 March 2015

#1380

Amid their attempts to reduce the length of the soccer's official rule book, FIFA officials have been accused of attempting to cut corners.

Tuesday 24 March 2015

#1379

British locals have been increasingly having children with African immigrants. Not since before the industrial revolution has the United Kingdom seen such a high number of black Smiths.

Monday 23 March 2015

#1378

The police sergeant gazed glumly at the wall, which bore a lush covering of soapy bubbles, and sighed.

"I said I wanted you to think about a deterrent for graffiti, Gravener. Not detergent. Deterrent."

Sunday 22 March 2015

#1377

What do you call the assessor of a shooting exam?

A marksman.

Saturday 21 March 2015

#1376

It is conventional for a furry porn actor to have a skunk double.

Friday 20 March 2015

#1375

A: I can't believe you cut off my water supply! This isn't funny, B.

B: I think you need to make more of an effort to understand my dry sense of humour.

Thursday 19 March 2015

#1374

A: What do you say when you want him to write?

B: Inscribe!

A: And when you want to dismiss him?

B: Out, scribe!

Wednesday 18 March 2015

#1373

What kind of guard stands in the middle of a camp?

A centry.

Tuesday 17 March 2015

#1372

What kind of drink is designed to help reptiles?

Gator-aid.

Monday 16 March 2015

#1371

What do you call a work of theatre sent in the mail?

A post script.

Sunday 15 March 2015

#1370

Where does the Vatican keep records of its cancelled marriages?

In its Annuls.

Saturday 14 March 2015

#1369

"Your diction is excellent, but you are very poor at dividing food appropriately among your guests. You will have to take allocation lessons."

Friday 13 March 2015

#1368

Boris Nemtsov, an outspoken critic of the Russian government, was killed after disPutin its practices.

Thursday 12 March 2015

#1367

Why did the cat shed in the garden?

To furtilise the plants.

Wednesday 11 March 2015

#1366

Too weak to be a piano mover, Alan decided to transport triangles - however, there wasn't much work, even after he advertised himself as the first real shapeshifter.

Tuesday 10 March 2015

#1365

What did Odysseus's Chinese crew member say about the seductresses of the sea?

"The Sirens was deafening."

Monday 9 March 2015

Sunday 8 March 2015

#1363

The hardest part of being a sniper is maintaining focus.

Saturday 7 March 2015

#1362

Which dance is traditionally performed against the barriers between rooms?

The walltz.

Friday 6 March 2015

#1361

In the scarecrow's opinion, the adjacent rosebush was just a thorn in his side.

Thursday 5 March 2015

#1360

The taxi driver was disqualified from the race for starting early; he was now the first cab off the ranks.

Wednesday 4 March 2015

#1359

What is the sauciest seafood dish?

Anything with periwinkles.

Tuesday 3 March 2015

#1358

The female greenhouse curator was fired after numerous attempts at smashing the glass ceiling.

Monday 2 March 2015

Sunday 1 March 2015

#1356

What do you call a relative sleeping on a serviette?

Napkin.

Saturday 28 February 2015

#1355

The predatory onions lured unsuspecting victims into their layers.

Friday 27 February 2015

#1354

What is the official title of the elected leader of tropical fruits?

The guavanor.

Thursday 26 February 2015

#1353

What do you call a group of prostitutes barely visible in the distance?

A whore-izon.

Wednesday 25 February 2015

#1352

On what day does France formally celebrate all the looting that occurred during the Revolution?

Ba-steal Day.

Tuesday 24 February 2015

#1351

After a century of secularisation, the central church, which had once seemed grand and magnificent, now merely appeared cathe-droll.

Monday 23 February 2015

#1350

A: These models are way too thin to be healthy!

B: No, they're just elegaunt.

Sunday 22 February 2015

#1349

The stage manager knew that any backdrop could be created if she set her mind to it.

Saturday 21 February 2015

#1348

After living in Australia for years, Shelley's understanding of the nation's language could only be described as intimate.

Friday 20 February 2015

#1347

"Not everything is black and white! I hate it when people put me into boxes."

For what seemed like the hundredth time, the ringmaster wondered why Rosy had signed up to be a goth magician's assistant.

Thursday 19 February 2015

#1346

What kind of cheese does the Mafia use to make cheesecake?

Crim cheese.

Wednesday 18 February 2015

#1345

The police tried to recover the stolen segment of gold chain, but couldn't find the missing blingk.

Tuesday 17 February 2015

Monday 16 February 2015

#1343

The clothes-mending software wouldn't work until the installation of a patch.

Sunday 15 February 2015

#1342

The Nutcracker is one of the most famous ballets of all time, and derives its name from the difficult and often painful choreography required of its male dancers.

Saturday 14 February 2015

#1341

Zeus was unimpressed by the newer deities; he felt that they were stealing his thunder.

Friday 13 February 2015

#1340

The temporary bracing on the roof of the tunnel was currently enshoring the safety of its occupants.

Thursday 12 February 2015

#1339

The birds strutted around in an extravagant display of pigeontry.

Wednesday 11 February 2015

#1338

The jeweller needed to adjust the breastpin, but had no idea how to brooch the subject.

Tuesday 10 February 2015

#1337

Taco the cat could cough up furballs at will; he was widely considered to be an elite hacker.

Monday 9 February 2015

#1336

A: Get your feet back or they might get run over.

B: Are you saying that this is a toe away zone?

A: You know what? Stretch your legs out. Make yourself comfortable.

Sunday 8 February 2015

#1335

What kind of document allows foreign citizens to cross rivers?

A bridging visa.

Saturday 7 February 2015

#1334

Did you hear about the literature major who became a builder?

He only worked on deconstruction sites.

Friday 6 February 2015

#1333

What do you call the act of ridiculing an old-fashioned light source?

Lampooning.

Thursday 5 February 2015

#1332

Any other disability would have prevented Claude from dancing; luckily, he had a nightclub-foot.

Wednesday 4 February 2015

#1331

Anna-Rose loved going on dates with soccer players; she knew that they would always foot the bill.

Tuesday 3 February 2015

#1330

What do you call a box for carrying underwear?

A briefscase.

Monday 2 February 2015

Sunday 1 February 2015

#1328

What kind of marsupial can work as a debt collector?

A bill-by.

Saturday 31 January 2015

#1327

The tree, having experienced many adventures in its youth, was ready to embark upon a new stage of life.

Friday 30 January 2015

#1326

By what process can people give birth on a ship?

Sea-section.

Thursday 29 January 2015

Wednesday 28 January 2015

#1324

Jerry was not very good at Jewish scripture study - in fact, he was Torah-ble.

Tuesday 27 January 2015

Monday 26 January 2015

#1322

Teacher: Use the word footprints in a sentence.

Student: The royal fetishist who tracked down Cinderella was a foot-prince.

Sunday 25 January 2015

#1321

Teacher: Use the word congested in a sentence.

Student: When a criminal has made a joke, you could say that the con jested.

Saturday 24 January 2015

#1320

Ruby reflected that it was difficult to make nameplates on such a tight badget.

Friday 23 January 2015

#1319

The nameplate maker was asked to move out of the way, but wouldn't badge.

Thursday 22 January 2015

Wednesday 21 January 2015

#1317

After visiting salt lakes and spice markets, Steph considered herself to be a seasoned traveller.

Tuesday 20 January 2015

#1316

A: I think his outfit needs a complete overhaul.

B: It's a business suit. Don't you think that overalls would be out of place?

Monday 19 January 2015

#1315

While waiting for a more permanent space, the locksmith had set up a key-osk.

Sunday 18 January 2015

#1314

Eric the con always attempted his deceits twice - he was very re-lie-able.

Saturday 17 January 2015

#1313

The organ removal surgeon was very consistent; she always de-livered.

Friday 16 January 2015

Thursday 15 January 2015

#1311

The initial insertion of the drip was tricky, but it was all smooth saline from there.

Wednesday 14 January 2015

#1310

What do you call the opening on a dandy gentleman's camera?

The dapperture.

Tuesday 13 January 2015

#1309

What do you call a light-field camera that helps the user to strategise?

Planoptic.

Monday 12 January 2015

Sunday 11 January 2015

#1307

A: Is this plane going to change direction?

B: I'm banking on it.

Saturday 10 January 2015

#1306

The five-pointer looked unlikely, but the rugby player decided that it was worth a try.

Friday 9 January 2015

#1305

The Australian footballer had a successful night at the gay bar - he scored a lot of behinds.

Thursday 8 January 2015

#1304

The basketball player refused to use lines or spears when fishing; as she put it, she aimed for "nothing but net".

Wednesday 7 January 2015

#1303

What did the grenadier shout after eating a curry?

"Fire in the hole!"

Tuesday 6 January 2015

#1302

How did the woman feel after having an orgasm?

As happy as a clam.

Monday 5 January 2015

#1301

The dean felt that forcing people to complete extensive paperwork in order to demonstrate financial need was very poor form.

Sunday 4 January 2015

#1300

What kind of reptile repairs computer screens?

A monitor lizard.

Saturday 3 January 2015

#1299

What did the sail say to the boat?

"Sorry to be such a drag."

Friday 2 January 2015

#1298

After the invention of large passenger aircrafts, the aviation industry really began to take off.

Thursday 1 January 2015

#1297

The dressmaker attempted stand-up comedy, hoping to have her audience in stitches; unfortunately, her jokes were only sew-sew.