Thursday, 30 April 2015


Are you a Catholic and do you want the body of your dreams? For only three payments of 19.99 and telling all your sins to a priest, you can have the torso you've to which you've always aspired! Presenting the brand new AbSolution.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015


Benedict the gardener only used spades very solemnly; he believed that this would preserve his dig-nity.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015


Teacher: Use the word likewise in a sentence.

Student: Most old people are totally, like, wise.

Monday, 27 April 2015


A: Why is there a trampoline under my car?

B: You said you needed a jump start.

Sunday, 26 April 2015


What do you call buoyant blocks of wood that are used to support rooftops?


Saturday, 25 April 2015


Magdalena had never had a problem with spoiled children, but since becoming a cannibal, she found them disgusting.

Friday, 24 April 2015


What do you call the captain of a frolicking team?

The skipper.

Thursday, 23 April 2015


The prince sprinted out of the ballroom to find that she was gone. All that remained was a glass shoe. Gradually, he realised that Cinderella had given him the slipper.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015


What do you call a program on a Macintosh computer?

An apple-ication.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015


The art heist was a success; all the sculptures had disappeared without a Samo-trace.

Monday, 20 April 2015


What do you call the being who is sad to collect the souls of the dead?

The Grim Weeper.

Sunday, 19 April 2015


A: Why were you passed out on top of the house?

B: I think I was roofied.

Saturday, 18 April 2015


After noticing that everyone she had interviewed had seemed angry, Natasha reflected that she might have chosen a particularly cross section of the population.

Friday, 17 April 2015


Which dogs are the best at learning lewd songs?

Bawdy collies.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Wednesday, 15 April 2015


Nancy loved it when customers only wanted parts of their hair coloured; it was the highlight of her day.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015


Years spent watching television had prepared Keith poorly for the tedious journey from France to England; no matter how bored he became, he could not change the Channel.

Monday, 13 April 2015


A: Do you think it's safe to leave this untied?

B: I think knot.

Sunday, 12 April 2015


Learning to turn handles despite arthritis can open many doors late in life.

Saturday, 11 April 2015


A: You don't like you're dancing. You look like you're attempting a painful walk over broken glass.

B: I've got the moves like jagged!

Friday, 10 April 2015


The river preferred to distribute its liquid assets between two banks.

Thursday, 9 April 2015


"We can explain!" cried the cheating husband. But neither he nor his lover could find anything to say. All that was evident was that they were tongue-tied.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015


A: How can we protect young people from alcoholism?

B: We need to nip it in the Budweiser.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015


Jean's favourite part of Despicable Me was the way in which the protagonist Gru emotionally.

Monday, 6 April 2015


How do you find a coal monster?

By tracing its carbon footprints.

Sunday, 5 April 2015


At first, the fish wasn't interested in the bait, but once he tasted it, he was hooked.

Saturday, 4 April 2015


Which beverage is traditionally associated with politeness?


Friday, 3 April 2015


What do you call a symbolic gruesome painting?


Thursday, 2 April 2015


The conservative architect strongly advised against all multi-level projects, as she believed that they would end in tiers.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015


What do you call someone who receives money from the lead singer of U2?

A Bono-ficiary.