Friday, 31 July 2015

Thursday, 30 July 2015


What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015


What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?


Tuesday, 28 July 2015


Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

Monday, 27 July 2015


What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?


Sunday, 26 July 2015


The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

Saturday, 25 July 2015


A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Thursday, 23 July 2015


After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015


What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Monday, 20 July 2015


What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

Sunday, 19 July 2015


Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

Saturday, 18 July 2015


What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

Friday, 17 July 2015


A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

Thursday, 16 July 2015


A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015


A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

Tuesday, 14 July 2015


A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Monday, 13 July 2015


The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.

Sunday, 12 July 2015


A: Why don't you like the recessed area on the side of the room?

B: I find it alcoverrated.

Saturday, 11 July 2015


Why are diseased prostitutes highly sought for the emergency services?

They know how to put out a fire.

Friday, 10 July 2015


What business deals with self-driven mechanics?

The automotive industry.

Thursday, 9 July 2015


A: You gave your word to how many people?

B: I'm sorry, I can't help being promise-cuous.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Tuesday, 7 July 2015


The explorers' fears paled in comparison to the plight of the albinos.

Monday, 6 July 2015


After years spent investigating the sculpture heist, the detectives finally made a bust.

Sunday, 5 July 2015


A: The old guy she's dating owns a confectionery shop.

B: I suppose he must be a sugar daddy.

Saturday, 4 July 2015


A: It's so hard to talk to my publican. He's gruff and rude and not a good listener.

B: Perhaps you need to find someone who's a little more bar-tender.

Friday, 3 July 2015


After a relaxing holiday, it was time for the coffee maker to return to the daily grind.

Thursday, 2 July 2015


What happened to the chicken when it stopped producing eggs?

It got laid off.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015


With what words do prostitutes greet clients?

"Welcome to my humble a-bod."

(At least I hope they do. I would do this if I were one.)