Monday, 31 August 2015


Merryl's brother hated sitting next to her on long flights. She would brag for hours about how well she played in her brass band. He always tried to walk up and down the aisle to avoid his deeply vain trombone sis.

Sunday, 30 August 2015


A: Do you remember Quasimodo?

B: Yes, that rings a bell.

Saturday, 29 August 2015


A: What were you doing with the kittens?

B: I was trying to fool them into thinking that there would be milk.

A: Did it work?

B: Oh yes. They lapped it up.

Friday, 28 August 2015


A: Why are you only having the main meal?

B: Because they said we can't have chips and salad, so it's safer to have neither.

A: Just pick one.

B: But one chef made the chips, and another one made the salad, so-

A: I swear to God, don't say-

B: I don't want to take sides.

[A pause.]

A: I hope you choke.

Thursday, 27 August 2015


What is a bird's favourite part of programming?


Wednesday, 26 August 2015


The chancellor of the university was forced to retire after it became that he was no longer in control of his faculties.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015


After facing poor ratings, the lumberjack reality show had to be axed.

Monday, 24 August 2015


What did the teacher say to the students at the Thieving Academy when giving a lesson on robbing a stationery shop?

"Take notes."

Sunday, 23 August 2015


Devastating weather ravaged South Korea today as attempts to create copies of the artist behind Gangnam Style led to horrifying Psy-clones.

Saturday, 22 August 2015


What meteorological phenomenon causes old people to walk faster?

A hurry-cane.

Friday, 21 August 2015


What do you call a portion of fat that is exhausting to chew?


Thursday, 20 August 2015


What do you call the standard of a disorganised street vendor?

A chaosque.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015


When should a period of mourning end?

In the afternoon.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015


Elisabeth decided not to say anything when one of her sneakers fell apart; she felt that it would be wiser to hold her tongue.

Monday, 17 August 2015


In this era, homosexuality was considered a mental illness - any people who were found to be gay were immediately placed in a straightjacket.

Sunday, 16 August 2015


How does a cool person with lots of swag give other people their contact details?

On a ballin' card.

Saturday, 15 August 2015


After raising her prices, the jeweller was accused of profit-earring.

Friday, 14 August 2015


How do you stop people from looking through your windows?

Blind them.

Thursday, 13 August 2015


Thierry initially enjoyed his skinny jeans, but after a while, they wore thin.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015


Erika was initially enthusiastic about her career as an author, but after some years, the novelty wore off.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015


The music was loud enough to make people feel sick; most audience members reported feeling noise-eous.

Monday, 10 August 2015


Where do classical musicians jam?

At the conserve-atory.

Sunday, 9 August 2015


Which writing utensil was originally designed for keeping score in sports?

The ballpoint pen.

Saturday, 8 August 2015


As Gina contemplated how to end her relationship, she decided that destroying all of her boyfriend's suits would be a very clear way to break ties.

Friday, 7 August 2015


What do you call an intersection strewn with discarded trash?

A junk-tion.

Thursday, 6 August 2015


A: Why did you shove a flower in my wound? Why would you do that?

B: I thought it would help to stem the flow of blood.

A: I'm in so much pain.

B: Stem, get it?

Wednesday, 5 August 2015


The communists believed that, once the right was proved wrong, only they would be left.

Tuesday, 4 August 2015


The mafia boss gazed glumly at the large pile of tiny brushes on the table before him. He glanced at his youngest charge, who was standing to attention on the other side of the heap.

"It was hard, boss. Most people said they'd never heard of them. So I made them myself. They're specially designed to remove lint from the joints of fingers of any size, and I think I've made enough for the whole mob, boss," he concluded, beaming with pride.

The old gangster sighed.

"Fetch us knuckle dusters, I said, Jakey. Knuckle dusters."

Monday, 3 August 2015


What do you call a religious awakening on the 29th of February?

A leap of faith.

Sunday, 2 August 2015


What do you call a messy natural environment?

A shabbytat.

Saturday, 1 August 2015


What do you call the correct posture for the Queen's Guard?

A stand-ard.