Friday, 31 July 2015

Thursday, 30 July 2015

#1507

What do you call a list of locations on a boxer's tour?

A fight-inerary.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

#1506

What do you call someone who tries to appear learned but constantly makes mistakes?

Error-dite.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

#1505

Thaphei hated receiving group messages about medieval armour - he immediately deleted all chainmail.

Monday, 27 July 2015

#1504

What do you call the ability to act appropriately at a carnival?

Savoir-fair.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

#1503

The professor gazed glumly at the report on her desk. She glanced at her youngest researcher, who was seated opposite her, beaming proudly.

"It was quite hard to locate - and it seemed strange to give me a chemical study given that we're geneticists - but I did find a local aquatic centre where people can swim in denim and conducted a thorough analysis of the consequences of the fabric on the water."

The professor sighed.

"Investigate the local gene pool, I said. Not the jean pool, the gene pool."

"Yes," smiled the student, and the professor retired that afternoon.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

#1502

A: Why are you buying so many shares?

B: It's autumn.

A: So?

B: I'm stocking up for the winter.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Thursday, 23 July 2015

#1500

After being bullied by his colleagues for not having a waxed anus, the stripper decided to sue for hair-ass-ment.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

#1499

What do you call an expert on filming the mating practices of birds?

A pornithologist.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Monday, 20 July 2015

#1497

What do you call a furtively modified percussion instrument?

A tamperine.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

#1496

Paul couldn't help but ask if the strangers were from Poland or from the Czech Republic; he was a Slav to his curiosity.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

#1495

What do you call a natural pause during which people start talking about parts of ships?

A hull in conversation.

Friday, 17 July 2015

#1494

A: They keep pulling out lice from my dog's fur.

B: Don't mind them; they're just nitpicking.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

#1493

A: They keep pointing out flaws in the woollen scarves I made.

B: Don't mind them; they're just knitpicking.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

#1492

A: What do you mean, you can tell that he's weak-willed just by looking at his jumper?

B: I'm telling you, that's a pushover pullover.

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

#1491

A: I can't believe you broke my miniature air conditioner!

B: You need to learn to be more relaxed about these things. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Monday, 13 July 2015

#1490

The disused train station had been turned into a cafe - essentially, it had never gone out of service.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

#1489

A: Why don't you like the recessed area on the side of the room?

B: I find it alcoverrated.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

#1488

Why are diseased prostitutes highly sought for the emergency services?

They know how to put out a fire.

Friday, 10 July 2015

#1487

What business deals with self-driven mechanics?

The automotive industry.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

#1486

A: You gave your word to how many people?

B: I'm sorry, I can't help being promise-cuous.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

#1484

The explorers' fears paled in comparison to the plight of the albinos.

Monday, 6 July 2015

#1483

After years spent investigating the sculpture heist, the detectives finally made a bust.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

#1482

A: The old guy she's dating owns a confectionery shop.

B: I suppose he must be a sugar daddy.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

#1481

A: It's so hard to talk to my publican. He's gruff and rude and not a good listener.

B: Perhaps you need to find someone who's a little more bar-tender.

Friday, 3 July 2015

#1480

After a relaxing holiday, it was time for the coffee maker to return to the daily grind.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

#1479

What happened to the chicken when it stopped producing eggs?

It got laid off.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

#1478

With what words do prostitutes greet clients?

"Welcome to my humble a-bod."

(At least I hope they do. I would do this if I were one.)