Thursday, 30 June 2016

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Tuesday, 28 June 2016


Did you hear about the comedian who couldn't make it to the queue for drinks at a party?

She was beaten to the punch line.

Monday, 27 June 2016


What did the instrumentalist say the composer who insisted on placing an impossibly high number of notes in quick succession?

"Give it a rest."

Sunday, 26 June 2016


A: What I'm saying is, I think he's quite average.

B: No need to be so mean about it.

Saturday, 25 June 2016


What do you call the social advantage granted to people who live near a narrow passage of water connecting two seas?

Strait privilege.


A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was intoxicated by his consumption of the last remnants of autumn.

A: What do you mean?

B: He was on leaves.

Thursday, 23 June 2016


What do you call a rat who lives above the sewers?

A road-ent.

Wednesday, 22 June 2016


How did the plumber surrender in the wrestling match?

He tapped out.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016


What did the dentist say to the patient who refused to do anything for their dental hygiene other than brushing?

"Oh, well. Your floss."

Monday, 20 June 2016


A: Do you think that bribing him with dried grapes might work?

B: Well, if you gave me enough dried grapes of a high quality, naturally I'd consider negotiating. I'm a raisin-able man.

Sunday, 19 June 2016


What anti-tank weapon is developed from a weak ogre?

The pansy-shrek.

Saturday, 18 June 2016


What do you call a standalone residence for people who are prone to errors?

A bungle-low.

Friday, 17 June 2016


Struggling with the lack of fibre in her new apartment, Angelique was constipated with rage.

Thursday, 16 June 2016


What do you call it when a design for a vacuum cleaner turns out to work?


Wednesday, 15 June 2016


What do you call an aspiration to become a plumber?

A pipe dream.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016


How can you tell that a knight suffers from addiction?

He spends his whole life chasing a dragon.

Monday, 13 June 2016


What did the lesbians buy to prevent their neighbours from hearing them?


Sunday, 12 June 2016


What do you call an irrefutable argument in favour of ammunition?

A bullet proof.

Saturday, 11 June 2016


The cobbler decided to change his untidy ways after a lengthy period of sole-searching.

Friday, 10 June 2016


How can you tell that an architect is bored?

When the awning begins.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Wednesday, 8 June 2016


What is the appropriate method to film people searching for gold in riverbanks?


Tuesday, 7 June 2016


What do you call a good periodical publication?


Monday, 6 June 2016


Oscar firmly believed in inserting things up his urethra; he felt that it was a very sound idea.

Sunday, 5 June 2016


Teacher: Use the expression to bring someone up to speed in a sentence.

Student: It is advisable to start with milder drugs such as marijuana before bringing someone up to speed.

Saturday, 4 June 2016


What do plants try to do at an auction?

Outbud each other.

Friday, 3 June 2016


What did Elvis tell the baby to do in case of fire?

"Shake rattle and roll."

Thursday, 2 June 2016


What do you call someone who whips her customers with pizza?

A Domino-trix.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016


What do you call it when someone with dyslexia remembers the time when they had herpes?