Thursday, 30 June 2016

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

#1841

Did you hear about the comedian who couldn't make it to the queue for drinks at a party?

She was beaten to the punch line.

Monday, 27 June 2016

#1840

What did the instrumentalist say the composer who insisted on placing an impossibly high number of notes in quick succession?

"Give it a rest."

Sunday, 26 June 2016

#1839

A: What I'm saying is, I think he's quite average.

B: No need to be so mean about it.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

#1838

What do you call the social advantage granted to people who live near a narrow passage of water connecting two seas?

Strait privilege.

#1837

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was intoxicated by his consumption of the last remnants of autumn.

A: What do you mean?

B: He was on leaves.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

#1836

What do you call a rat who lives above the sewers?

A road-ent.

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

#1835

How did the plumber surrender in the wrestling match?

He tapped out.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

#1834

What did the dentist say to the patient who refused to do anything for their dental hygiene other than brushing?

"Oh, well. Your floss."

Monday, 20 June 2016

#1833

A: Do you think that bribing him with dried grapes might work?

B: Well, if you gave me enough dried grapes of a high quality, naturally I'd consider negotiating. I'm a raisin-able man.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

#1832

What anti-tank weapon is developed from a weak ogre?

The pansy-shrek.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

#1831

What do you call a standalone residence for people who are prone to errors?

A bungle-low.

Friday, 17 June 2016

#1830

Struggling with the lack of fibre in her new apartment, Angelique was constipated with rage.

Thursday, 16 June 2016

#1829

What do you call it when a design for a vacuum cleaner turns out to work?

Suck-cess.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

#1828

What do you call an aspiration to become a plumber?

A pipe dream.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

#1827

How can you tell that a knight suffers from addiction?

He spends his whole life chasing a dragon.

Monday, 13 June 2016

#1826

What did the lesbians buy to prevent their neighbours from hearing them?

Mufflers.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

#1825

What do you call an irrefutable argument in favour of ammunition?

A bullet proof.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

#1824

The cobbler decided to change his untidy ways after a lengthy period of sole-searching.

Friday, 10 June 2016

#1823

How can you tell that an architect is bored?

When the awning begins.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

#1821

What is the appropriate method to film people searching for gold in riverbanks?

Panning.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

#1820

What do you call a good periodical publication?

Mag-nificent.

Monday, 6 June 2016

#1819

Oscar firmly believed in inserting things up his urethra; he felt that it was a very sound idea.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

#1818

Teacher: Use the expression to bring someone up to speed in a sentence.

Student: It is advisable to start with milder drugs such as marijuana before bringing someone up to speed.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

#1817

What do plants try to do at an auction?

Outbud each other.

Friday, 3 June 2016

#1816

What did Elvis tell the baby to do in case of fire?

"Shake rattle and roll."

Thursday, 2 June 2016

#1815

What do you call someone who whips her customers with pizza?

A Domino-trix.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

#1814

What do you call it when someone with dyslexia remembers the time when they had herpes?

PSTD.