Thursday, 27 April 2017

#2138

What do you call the sound that your stomach makes when it is hungry for liquor?

Rum-bling.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

#2137

What do you call the coordinator of a telephone switchboard who reviews classical singing performances?

The opera-rater.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

#2136

Why do people with coeliac disorder never do squats?

They're allergic to glutes.

Monday, 24 April 2017

#2135

What cheese is the least favourite of prisoners?

Fetter cheese.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

#2134

What do you call a scorned woman who ruins jokes?

A funny foiler.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Friday, 21 April 2017

#2132

Nicole fiercely guarded all the objects that she had torn from the grasp of others; they were her prised possessions.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

#2131

Which fictional bear is the softest fictional bear?

Paddington.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

#2129

What do you call disgusting purchases from a supermarket?

Gross-eries.

Monday, 17 April 2017

#2128

What do fruit vendors use to provide evidence for their opinions?

Facts and fig-ures.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Saturday, 15 April 2017

#2126

What do you call the study of irate farmers?

Angry-culture.

Friday, 14 April 2017

#2125

What do you call an homage to a shoe?

A tri-boot.

#2124

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday?

B: The writer was too angry about the lack of electricity to write anything.

A: What do you mean?

B: There was a power outrage.

A: And also he couldn't post to this blog if there was no power?

B: No, that joke's been cut.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

#2123

What kind of fabric is named after the creases left in it by buttocks?

Sat-in.

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

#2122

What is the appropriate way to phrase a request for the withdrawal of a record from a playlist?

"Scratch that."

Monday, 10 April 2017

#2121

What do you call the students of a church furniture designer?

Pew-pils.

Sunday, 9 April 2017

#2120

Tahlia the rugby referee hated high-scoring games; they were always a trying time.

Saturday, 8 April 2017

#2119

What is a bird's favourite scientific instrument?

A beaker.

Friday, 7 April 2017

#2118

What do you call it when archaeologists hold a party where they gather leg bones?

A shindig.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

#2117

What is the favourite team building exercise of bakers?

Crust falls.

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

#2116

A: Out of all the ancient cultures, the Egyptians had the coolest cats.

B: No, the coolest cats were in the Jazztecs.

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

#2115

What did the miner say about the other miner who had found a vein of ore?

"Get a lode of this guy!"

Monday, 3 April 2017

Guest Post #7 - Ben Volchok

"Boo" - ghost heckler

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Guest Post #6 - Ben Volchok

If they printed the weather on coins it would be climate change.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Guest Post #5 - Ben Volchok

I really appreciate you getting me this Mexican walking fish. Thanksalotl.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Friday, 31 March 2017

Guest Post #4 - Ben Volchok

Talk
Chalk
Hawk
Cork
Dork
Pork
Stork
Fork
Balk
Orc
Squawk
Torque
New York
Peter Falk
Mickey Rourke

(I have committed walk rhymes)

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Guest Post #3 - Ben Volchok

"Words cannot express how much I love you" - Wittgenstein breaking up with someone

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Guest Post #2 - Ben Volchok

If life gets you down, make a pillow.

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Guest Post #1 - Ben Volchok

waiter: "what'll it be?"
me: "two cacciatore"
waiter: "you have to think like a tory"
me: "ugh i hate waiters"
waiter: "that's a start"

---

Ben Volchok is on Twitter.
His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fact Book is on this week at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Monday, 27 March 2017

#2114

How can you develop a tan by eating fruit?

By getting some melon-in.

Sunday, 26 March 2017

#2113

Zoey the watchmaker knew that her children loved her, quartz and all.

#2112

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was busy following the Jewish tradition of catching criminals on the Sabbath.

A: That's not a real-

B: The seventh day is a day of arrest.

Friday, 24 March 2017

#2111

What kind of cat is the most useful on a sheep farm?

A Che-shear cat.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

#2110

What do you call the colour effect achieved by dropping a photograph in the ocean?

Sea-pia.

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

#2109

What do you call a quickly performed piece of hip hop?

Rap-id.

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

#2108

What do you call someone who has only ever seen slugs being surprised by a snail?

Shell shocked.

#2106

A: Why wasn't there a post today?

B: The writer of the blog was off hunting?

A: It's not the season for-

B: It's a no-pun season!

Sunday, 19 March 2017

#2105

What do you call patients who know that they will recover?

Se-cure.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

#2104

What do you call corruption at the Olympics?

Medalling.

Friday, 17 March 2017

#2103

What do you call the act of riding a bicycle in order to put other people off their exercise?

Psych-ling.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

#2102

What do you call the process of angrily searching for food?

Fo-rage-ing.

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

#2101

What do you call poorly clothed bakery apprentices?

Ragamuffins.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

#2100

What was the first sport designed for online play?

Netball.

Monday, 13 March 2017

#2099

What muscle do weightlifters develop when they truly believe?

The try-cep.

Sunday, 12 March 2017

#2098

After being shamed for his embarrassing stubble, Luke would do anything to shave face.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

#2097

The circus lion was exhausted of his daily routine - every day, he had to jump through hoops to achieve anything.

Friday, 10 March 2017

#2096

What kind of Mexican food can keep you warm in the winter?

Fa-heaters.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

#2095

What do you call the practice of making unsolicited visits to young male horses in order to sell them things?

Colt calling.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

#2094

A: Why are all these pictures of snakes blanked out on this computer?

B: I installed an adder blocker.

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

#2093

What do you call the process of rounding up fish using enclosures made of marine polyps?

Coraling.

Monday, 6 March 2017

#2092

Sudi could never look at her children, born on the same day, without a twinge of regret.

Sunday, 5 March 2017

#2091

What do you call an animated show about fish?

A carp-toon.

Saturday, 4 March 2017

#2090

What do you call two gynecologists working together?

Col-labia-ration.

Friday, 3 March 2017

#2089

A: Was your trip to the convent fun?

B: Yes, I had a veil of a time.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

#2088

What do you call a compilation of footage of impressive catches that a fisherman can use to apply for work?

A showreel.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

#2087

What did the bishop say when he saw the cost of constructing a new cathedral roof?

"That's a bit steeple."

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

#2086

The other patients at the hospital complained that the amputees received sever-ential treatment.

Monday, 27 February 2017

#2085

What fruits always owes their first loyalty to their families?

Clanberries.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

#2084

What do you call a tale about a woodwind player rebounding from failure?

A reed-emption story.

Saturday, 25 February 2017

#2083

What do you call the act of copying a long-necked Australian bird?

Emu-lating.

Friday, 24 February 2017

#2082

What kind of pen only writes in one language?

An Ara-BIC.

Thursday, 23 February 2017

#2081

What do you call it when one dog asks another dog to get married?

A pro-paws-al.

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

#2080

What do you call the section of the underworld in which sugar-free dieters are forced to consume sweets?

Caram-hell.

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

#2079

What kind of baked good tends to fall off cliffs?

Lemming-tons.

Monday, 20 February 2017

#2078

What is a computer programmer's favourite herb?

Parse-ley.

Sunday, 19 February 2017

#2077

What product is the most difficult for greengrocers to transport?

Cucumbersome.

#2076

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was feeling lack-a-day-sical.

Friday, 17 February 2017

#2075

What is the best thing about people who don't own books?

They are often shelfless.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

#2074

Early supporters of emails viewed the defendants of alternate methods of digital transmission as a dying faxtion.

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

#2073

Why did the jail warden have perfect skin?

He was an expert at preventing breakouts.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

#2072

What kind of poison can be made with printer ink?

Cyanide.

Monday, 13 February 2017

Sunday, 12 February 2017

#2070

What do you call a mattress upon which you can lie more than once?

Re-lie-able.

Saturday, 11 February 2017

#2069

Why did the manicurist go to the gym?

---

A: Hold on, aren't we going to talk about the fact that the last two days were both posts for the previous? What happened?

B: The writer was trying to increase his muscle mass.

A: How does a three day backlog on the schedule serve-

B: He wanted to get buffer.

#2068

A: Why was there no post yesterday as well?

B: There was a post yesterday.

A: Yes, but it was just about why there wasn't a post the day before.

B: Because yesterday, the writer decided to create purely theatre.

A: How can you possibly explain-?

B: All of these subsequent explanation dialogues were just post-scripts.

Friday, 10 February 2017

#2067

A: Why was there no post yesterday?

B: The writer was changing from a preferential voting system.

A: That makes no-

B: Yesterday was the first past the post.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

#2066

How do forest-guarding creatures achieve their potential?

With elf-help books.

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

#2065

"I feel so peaceful, coach."

"A bit sleepy, though, coach."

Sixtus gazed glumly from his star quarterback to the rest of his team, who were staggering into each other and giggling. He sighed.

"I said, get into the end zone. Not the Endone, the end zone."

Monday, 6 February 2017

#2064

What do you call someone who makes sly plans involving decorative arts?

Crafty.

Sunday, 5 February 2017

#2063

Darren regretted having his bathroom designed by toddlers; the resulting design was very infant-tile.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

#2062

What fruit is favoured by supporters of circular logic in categorical imperative philosophy?

Kant-e-loop.

Friday, 3 February 2017

#2061

What do you call an ill-humoured lever operator?

Cranky.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

#2060

The lingerie model tried desperately to stop playing video games, but she had an ass that wouldn't quit.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

#2059

What do you call people who must return to an Asian island after finding Jesus?

Borneo-again Christians.

Tuesday, 31 January 2017

#2058

What magical object could only be used to measure the body fat percentage of the true king?

Ex-caliper.

Monday, 30 January 2017

#2057

What do you call the study of the financial impact of sustainable eating?

Eco-nom-ics.

Sunday, 29 January 2017

#2056

Martina the leatherworker was deeply concerned that the beauty industry would put her out of business; she had fundamentally misunderstood the operational procedures of a tanning salon.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

#2055

What do you call the chrysalis in which calves are wrapped to mature into adults?

A cow-coon.

Friday, 27 January 2017

#2054

What process do new birds undergo when joining a pond?

In-duck-tion.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

#2053

What do ibises celebrate on the 26th of January?

Bin-vasion Day.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

#2052

What do you call an inclination towards particular purchases?

A buy-as.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

#2051

What devices are used for the public humiliation of cows?

Beef stocks.

Monday, 23 January 2017

#2050

Sandy was deeply dedicated to cosplaying as a classical musician; every day, she practised her LARPeggios.

Sunday, 22 January 2017

#2049

Marco was very methodical when organising Christmas presents for his female siblings; he was very sister-matic.

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Friday, 20 January 2017

#2047

What did the crows do when they wanted to go into business?

They formed a caw-poration.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

#2045

What did the dogs do in the dog government?

They developed paw-licy.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

#2044

What do you call inventiveness in taverns?

Inn-ovation.

Monday, 16 January 2017

#2043

What heuristic self-awareness exercise must be completed in a great rush?

The Jo-hurry window.

Sunday, 15 January 2017

#2042

What underwater creature is known for the tight security systems around its babies?

The Lock Nest Monster.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

#2041

At first, the scientists thought it impossible that the main pollinating insect could go extinct; they found it un-bee-leave-able.

Friday, 13 January 2017

#2040

What do you call a section of a book about a British everyman?

A chap-ter.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

#2039

What do you call it when someone's spine is damaged by their education?

School-iosis.

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

#2038

What do you call someone who runs a clowning workshop?

A fa-silly-tator.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

#2037

What area of eastern Europe is noted for its variants of baseball using tin cylinders?

The Ball-can Peninsula.

Monday, 9 January 2017

#2036

What do you call the process of lulling patients to sleep prior to surgery by having them watch the dance of a stripper?

Anas-tease-ia.

Sunday, 8 January 2017

#2035

Long after being liberated from the sweatshop, Yaxi wore the little metal cap on his index finger each morning, as a thimble of his oppression.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

#2034

How did the homosexual feel after being in the closet for years?

Frus-straight-ed.

Friday, 6 January 2017

#2033

Why did Brenton refuse to accept an Australian car from his employer?

He wanted to be be-Holden to no one.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

#2032

Claudie the sniffer dog was highly valued by the drug squad; she was at the scentre of their operations.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

#2031

What do you call a marketing specialist who sells water-based protection for castles?

A pro-moat-er.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

#2030

How did the supervisor in the pork products kitchen tells his employees to work faster?

"Come on, get crackling!"

Monday, 2 January 2017

#2029

What do you call an architect who dreams of constructing cathedrals?

A-spire-ing.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

#2028

What do you call the budget manager of a country with a worthless currency?

The trash-urer.